Double Chin to Healthy Again

So what is my goal, really?

2009-10-19T09:27:00.000-07:00

I say all the time that it's not about being skinny, it's about being healthy. In ways, it's completely true. I am more concerned with being around for a long time for my kids and husband, and really enjoying life than I am with the size of my jeans. In other ways, it's a total load of crap. I do care how much I weigh. If I didn't, I wouldn't post my progress every week. I wouldn't even check it every week. This post is about my health, though.

My close friends know that I've been to the doctor about my depression and anxiety level. My blood pressure was alarmingly high to have been on bp meds for a little while - 146/100. I left with a new prescription for a different blood pressure med, and some anti-anxiety medicine. My husband has been incredibly supportive, but I'm feeling very down right now. I am lacking hope, and the joy and zeal for life that I usually have. I'm disconnected from my husband and kids, emotionally, and from most others in every possible way.

If you haven't heard from me lately, please don't take it personally. I'm trying to work through this. I'm working on becoming healthy, and right now that means I need to focus on my mental and emotional health.

Don't look at this.

2009-10-15T05:32:00.000-07:00

Seriously. I might cry if I know someone is reading this. BUT, to stay true to my blog, I have to post it. Unfortunately, the last 6 weeks have caught up with me. I thought I was going to escape it. I thought - somehow - the stress, bad food choices, and lack of exercise weren't going to show up on the scale.

My last weigh in was 184. Boy, was I proud of the track I was on. I am devastated to reveal that today my number is 196.5. I'm almost back to 200?! My calendar, the healthy living challenge with my husband? Dust collector. I am SO mad at myself. I'm disappointed. I'm furious.

In a lot of ways in life right now, I am feeling defeated. I don't know how to make life work right now. Sure I breathe and function, and I know that's all that being alive requires, but I want LIFE. I want to seize it, take advantage of it, enjoy it. Right now, I'm not, I haven't, I don't.

I wish I had a more uplifting post for you today, but it's just not in me. All I know to say is that today is a new day. The mistakes of yesterday do NOT have power to make today full of mistakes, too. In the end, the choice is mine. In the end, it's up to me.

Frustrating

2009-10-03T09:52:00.001-07:00

I worked out yesterday. I didn't use my blue resistance band, I used the green, because I was worried about the blue being too much for me. Apparently the green one was too much. I am feeling very frustrated about the physical results of my wreck. I am angry. I was paying attention. I was doing what I was supposed to. This other lady isn't paying attention and doesn't even get a freaking TICKET, much less is she still hurting over a month later.

I am and will always be grateful that we walked away from that wreck. It could have been much worse. In a time where I'm already feeling down, though, knowing that Pilates - the one exercise besides walking that my doc would approve for me - is making me hurt this badly, is very frustrating. VERY. My neck was really sore last night and today my poor hips, back, and knees are killing me.

I am going to rise above this. It will take time, and I just need to be patient. It is making it harder to resist wallowing in the carbohydrate-laden pity party of emotional eating, though.

Just so you know...

2009-10-02T08:50:00.001-07:00

I just worked out for the first time since the wreck. 40 minutes of pilates.

Winds of change, and all that junk.

;)

Heavy sighs and rubbing thighs

2009-10-01T09:54:00.000-07:00

It's Thursday! That means weigh in day. Today's number? 184. I think I remember seeing that some place before... OH, I know! Last week!

I'm feeling persnickety, grumpy, and just yucky. This whole week has been a wrong side of the bed week. I love that the weather is cooler in the morning, but I HATE that it is in the 80's by noon. I long for fall. I want to be outside, but I want my body to be able to stand it, not feel like I'm smothering! I'm experiencing PMS symptoms like crazy, which is neat considering I had a hysterectomy 3 years ago. I do still have my ovaries, hence the hormonal flux.

I'm stressed. Dealing (or trying not to deal and letting Stuart do it instead) with all the wreck stuff is repulsive. It has been a month, and I am still hurting, still afraid when I drive, still not sleeping through the night. The insurance of the lady that hit me is a nightmare, and both my insurance company and I are fed up with it.

I didn't work out this week, so my chart has been a dust collector, essentially. I know I could have lost a few pounds if I'd tried, but the truth is, I didn't. I didn't try. I am just blah right now. I feel like there is no time, like I am just a mom, like I am not a real human right now. I need for April to get here soon, so Stuart and I can take our trip. I need to feel like a woman. I want to feel sexy. I want to be confident - or at least want to be in public.

I feel a lot of negative rambling sneaking in, so I'm going to stop myself. Today is Oct. 1. September is officially over. It is time to move on from the sadness, loss, and negativity that the month brought. Time to move ahead.

Ever have one of those days?

2009-09-24T05:57:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm having one of those months. September has not been nice to me in many ways. Let's start at the beginning. On September 1, I was coming home from picking up Chase from school. We were talking about his day, enjoying our drive home, when it happened. For many reasons, I'm not going to get into specifics, but I was rearended by a driver going about 45 mph. I was stopped, but saw her in my rearview mirror, and did my best to get out of the way. Thankfully I did, and we escaped being crushed between 2 large SUVs. My car was totaled, I spent many days in the bed with excruciating whiplash and back spasms, but my family was safe. I am ever grateful for Melissia, a new friend in the area, who spent 5.5 hours with me at the site of the wreck and at Urgent Care, and for the men and women who stopped to help us. There were two gentlemen who were so magnificent, and they helped pry the doors of the car open to get my boys out, and held them and me in their arms until we could be checked out.

In an accident of that nature, there is much red tape, and legal mumbo jumbo. Obtaining the police report, waiting for cooperation of all the parties, and other garbage held up allowing us to get into a car. It was 2 weeks before my car was officially totaled out, and we were able to secure financing for a new vehicle. That happened last Monday.

Monday, September 14 was the first day I was back behind a wheel. It is terrifying to drive again when you've been hit like that. There is a vulnerability that is all-consuming. I had ridden in the car a couple of times, gripping the door or dash, terrified of every car behind us. Once I started driving again, it felt like I had a target on my backside or a cloak of invisibility because it seemed like every car stopped right on my bumper. I was still nursing aches and pain, and hadn't been able to start exercising again.

Thursday, September 17 is a day I am not likely to forget. Stuart called me from work and asked if I'd spoken to family. I had not, and asked what was wrong. He said, "It's really bad, babe." My heart stopped, and then he told me it was my cousin, Rachel. She had been killed in a car accident. He knew no details, so I tried calling my Dad. There was no answer on his phone, I texted him, sent IMs to his phone... Nothing. I then called my sister, and she had heard nothing. In the end, it was confirmed, and my heart broke in two.

Rachel was 19 and beautiful. She was at a point in her life where she had lots of questions, wanted all the answers, and was looking forward to her future. She was headed to work that morning, and pulled out in front of a semi. She was my cousin, but also my friend, and like a little sister in ways. When Stuart and I started dating, she was a little kid - like 4 or 5 - and she would always want to sit in his lap, hold his hand, and sit between us at church. Little turkey. She grew up before our eyes, as we worked in the youth department at church. After Stuart joined the CG, I lost touch with most of my kids in the youth group, except for through networking sites online.

I have been struggling with the fact that I was no longer her confidante. I was not there for her every question, struggle, or tear. I hadn't had an inside joke with her in a while, and I hadn't even teased her about her love for Robert Pattinson. She gave me a hard time about making soaps, asking me if I was now Brad Pitt in her favorite movie, Fight Club. I'm feeling a lot of guilt, regret, and loss. I do have beautiful memories, and I am grateful for them. I have thought of her every single day, and laughed. She brought such joy and love to everyone around her, and she is going to be terribly missed.

I have really had to fight against depression and hopelessness this month. It would be so easy to give up and give in. It would. There have been many days that I just want to go to sleep and forget about life. Forget about everything looming overhead. I haven't counted points in a few weeks. The weekend before my wreck, my dad was here, and he brought with him all the bad eating habits of my childhood. Beans rice and sausage, boudain, piles of spaghetti with 2 kinds of sausage and ground beef. There aren't enough points in a month for that! LOL! Then after the wreck, Mom and Nanny came, and bought all kinds of easy snacks. PopTarts (gasp), chips, cookies, soda, all those weaknesses. Thankfully macaroni and cheese is nowhere in this list.

I know I've mentioned feeling insecure around my sisters, and that wasn't so bad this time in TX. I think I had too much else that really mattered to worry about myself and my shortcomings. It wasn't until we got home that it reared its head, but in a different way. My baby sister, Ashley, is one confident, outspoken little thing. She has struggled with her weight in the past, and has been treated recently in a clinic. She takes a prescription pill, and was taking B12 shots weekly for weight loss. She started out around 165, I guess, and is now 135. I am proud of her, and she does look beautiful, but I had spoken to my doctor in the past about her weight loss methods, and he didn't feel it was right for me at that time. Well, my husband noticed the difference in my sister, and has been not so subtly telling me to look into what she was doing.

Generally, Stuart is super supportive. Right now, I weigh less than I have in years. Less than before either child was born. I have worked hard. I know that the last 4 weeks have not been good, and until this morning, I didn't know where I actually stood weight-wise. His awareness and unintentional nagging has been very hurtful. I know his intentions were to help, to offer me hope, and to give me a solution that would work. You know, that quick fix that everyone dreams of. I just don't feel good about the weight loss clinic approach. I'm not doing this just for weight loss, but to become healthy in many ways. Emotionally, spiritually, physicially...It all plays a part in overall health.

He has been somewhat unhappy about his own physical health, feeling the effects of one too many beers at a port call around his midsection, and the aches and pains that come along with age. We have both done a lot of wallowing and complaining, and not a lot of doing. My calendar in the bedroom hadn't been updated in a few weeks, because I had been bedridden after the wreck, and wasn't interested in getting someone else to check the scale for me. I decided yesterday that I was challenging him to a 9-week healthy living contest. Starting today, for the next 9 weeks, there will be no soda (Coke, pop, whatever you call it), he cannot use tobacco, I have to count my points, we both have to be active 4x/week, and he can only have 2 drinks per port call when he is underway. This will bring us to the week before Thanksgiving.

Do you realize that I - if I meet my goal - will be @ 160 lbs by Thanksgiving?! That is less than I have weighed since I was a freshman in high school.

I do want to mention, by the way, that it hasn't all been bad the last few weeks. I got a new car to replace my crushed one. It is roomy, large, and I feel like I could compete with the next Tahoe that decides they want a look at my innards via my rear end. I also got a job as a medical transcriptionist. I am very excited about being able to contribute financially again, and I hope this opportunity is a good one for me.

Thanks for your support and love. I know this entry was lengthy, but I'm needing the therapy that writing allows right now.

Oh, so today's weigh in was 184. I'm up 2.5 lbs, but that's not so bad, considering I hadn't weighed in since mid-late August.

This week's update.

2009-08-22T05:46:00.000-07:00

My official weigh in this week is 182. That's up .5 lb since last week. Considering the 2 days before weigh-in, and the eating that I did while the hubby was in for a port call, I'm not going to balk too much at the result. The good news? On Tuesday this week, I saw something I haven't seen in a long time - the 170's. My weight was 179.5. It wasn't official, and could very well have been a fluke, but I know it can be done.

Now for a confession... I didn't count while he was here. Why do I do that? WHY? So now I'm out of the habit. I have to get back under control. As a result, I am feeling super depressed and looking to bad foods to make it better. Not really bad, mind you, but I guarantee I didn't need that bowl of Corn Pops last night before bed.

I'm feeling some depression creeping up on me. I have a lot of stress right now. With my hubby gone, it is so hard to deal with things. I have no sounding board. No support. NO break. I am "on" as Mommy 24 hours a day. I am touched out. I'm tired of being a waitress. Tired of being a butt wiper. I'm just TIRED. Like many people right now, money is tight. We're still trying to recover from the Disney trip. Okay, money's not just tight...It's much worse than that, but what can I do, except just hang in there for the next week and a half until payday? I'm also trying desperately to find a Medical Transcription job to take advantage of the education I've received.

Today is the second day that I've woken up grumpy. I am normally a good morning person, ready to help the kids wake up and get going with a smile. I am feeling so lonely, helpless, stressed, and frustrated today. I have to keep my diet in check. I need to be drinking water or tea when I get the boredom/stress hunger.

I've still got a ways to go before this patrol is over and my sweet man is home for a few weeks. I need to be at 178 when the patrol is finished to meet my goal and get a day at the salon. I need a hair cut SO badly. Time to keep my eyes on the prize.

Playing dress up isn't the same...

2009-08-17T20:32:00.000-07:00

I will see the hubby soon. He's been on patrol since mid-July. Tonight I decided to try on a couple of outfits for when I see him. The person I am seeing in the mirror weighs at least 220 lbs, though I weigh 181 right now. I cannot see what I really look like, I don't think. Or maybe it's because my clothes are fitting looser and are just looking sloppy? I do know that I'm disappointed that my arms have a lot of really loose skin. I need to work harder on toning.

I hope when he sees me he notices. Surely he'll have to, right? I'm not doing this for him, but I need the reassurance from someone who hasn't seen me in a while, KWIM? I need to hear that I look great, and I need to know that someone notices the hard work I've put in these past weeks.

While he's home we have to take some more progress pictures. Maybe that will help?

I know most of you that read this have dealt with weight fluctuations and whatnot. I don't remember feeling like this last year. Is this a normal reaction? Last year I felt SO good, and WANTED to try on clothes. Right now I'm just feeling blech.

Okay. I need to get to bed. My eyes are tired, and I'm starting to ramble. ;) Good night, all!

Holy cow!

2009-08-13T04:48:00.000-07:00

Today is weigh in day. Drumroll, please...

181.5!!!!! I cannot believe it. CAN NOT. I even put a dumbbell on my scale to check the weight and see if the scale was accurate. Since the hubs left on patrol, I have lost 15.5 lbs. This weight is lower than the lowest I got last year on my original WW attempt. I am in shock. Big time.

I am proud of myself, but I'm not believing it. It's come off really quickly, so I kind of don't really know if it's true or not? Does that make sense?

The hubby has a port call coming up and I'll get to see him for about 48 hours, so I guess I'll get my reassurance then. ;)

OH. And here's a reality check: The new 1/3 pound burgers at McDonalds? Ya might wanna look at the nutrition facts before you partake. I didn't. That burger has 750 calories and 39 grams of fat. That's not even thinking about the fries! Let's just say that meal was MORE than my points allowance for the whole day. Just a reminder to be smart when you're going to be eating out. Wowza.

Thurs, Aug 8, 2009

2009-08-06T07:22:00.000-07:00

Today's weight is 185.5! That's another 2.5 lbs down.

I had one day this week that was baaaad. I'm glad it didn't completely mess everything up. I had a day that I used 35.5 points in one day. Yikes. I figured out the culprit, though. That morning I ate cereal with a banana for breakfast. Carbs and sugar. For the rest of the day I was ravenous. I could not get full no matter what. I snacked and ate all day long.

My 2 favorites right now for quick and yummy protein are Oscar Mayer Deli Fresh Roast Beef, and Johnsonville turkey cheddar sausages. The Roast Beef is 1 point for 6 slices of meat! It is soo good, too. It is flavored like a French Dip sandwich, so it has a little oniony au jus taste. YUUM. The Johnsonville sausages are 3 points a piece, and taste like you're eating something really naughty.

I hope everyone is doing well. I'm feeling good. I'm well on my way to reaching my 9 week goal of 178. I cannot wait to break the 180s. Can't wait.

Today's weight...

2009-07-30T06:11:00.001-07:00

Weigh in this morning is 188. That's a loss of 3 pounds this week. It also means that my daily points allowance went from 25 to 24. I'm not getting as much exercise as I'd like still, but with the stress load this week, my body is NOT letting me get by with anything.

On Monday, my life went from oblivious to "you are moving this weekend," to "Oops, sorry...I'm not really sure if that's true..." I'm leaving out a lot (obviously), but let's say that it's been a STRESSFUL week. Not to mention that I am just about touched out with my clingy 3 year old. I'm also waiting on my retake score from my MT final. The good news? I haven't turned to pasta. The goal today is to make it through grocery shopping without bringing home mac and cheese. I know that's a lame goal, but it is seriously my comfort food. It is what I turn to in a moment of weakness.

Well, it's just after 8. I need to make a grocery list, make sure I have the school supply list, and brave the crowds out and about. I'm sure it's going to be reaaaal fun out there today. Gotta get it done before lunchtime so I'm not tempted to grab lunch while I'm out. After shopping with 2 kids, some salty french fries always sound good. *snort*

Have a great day!

Didn't think I'd do it, did you?

2009-07-26T17:00:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I'm a couple days late, but I did weigh in on time. I had a weird and BUSY week this week. Many thanks to my friend, Leah, for watching the boys while I went and had blood work done. It's so nice to have support when the hubs is gone.

My weight this week is 191. I lost 3 lbs, and I'm really happy about it. I'm working hard to drink enough. I am not giving in to the urge to hit the bakery racks or buy macaroni and cheese at the store. I had a goal to work out 4 hours/week, but that didn't work this week. I only did 1.5 hours, but that's something. I rearranged furniture in both the living room and my bedroom, and did a lot of things around the house related to reorganizing those rooms. I also did some jogging and pilates. I've been fighting some hard core fatigue, and trying to give into it to an extent. I know that sounds odd, but I've noticed with my fibromyalgia, if I don't listen to what my body is telling me, it'll make me listen. Stuart won't be home for more than a month still, and I can't afford to be run down and sick when I'm doing the single parent thing.

I am so hopeful that I'll reach my goal of 178 by mid-September. As I've said before, I weighed 172 when we got married in January of 2000, and it would be so nice to be at or below that weight by our 10-year anniversary.

Thanks in advance for your support.

~A~

So, uh, "Hi."

2009-07-19T19:12:00.000-07:00

I know, I know. It's been 4 months. Really, it's been a long time since I've felt like me and felt like I was taking care of myself. I finally reached the point where I could not cope with my fibromyalgia any longer and had to be started on a medication for it. I also had to start a blood pressure medication. There's a wake up call. My blood pressure was 144/106. Not so good.

Stress? Well, let's say I've been maxed out. The late spring patrol was horrible for me. The hubby was gone, and we had Strep running rampant, along with pneumonia and allergic reactions to medication. The patrol schedule has been 45 days out, 4 weeks in, which is not so fun. It's hard to focus when he is home on trying to incorporate him into our routine. Instead, everything falls by the wayside to spend time together. He and I started doing some Wii Fit exercises together, which was nice. It is so nice to have someone to exercise with.

In the last couple of weeks, we had a big trip to Florida, and went to Disney World with my grandmother and sister. I had moments of my body not wanting to cooperate, but we all had a really great time, and the summer showers kept the temperature nearly bearable.

So enough of the past. What's going on today?

We have entered a new patrol period, so I have time to think and work. I have been really feeling bad about myself, bad for myself, and drowning in my pity pool. I went to Dollar Tree this week and bought some posterboard and markers. I have a 9 Week goal to break 180. Though I had gotten down to 182.5 last year, I'm at 194 right now. Yipes. In 9 weeks, my goal is to be at 178. That's 16 pounds, and completely reasonable. I'm scheduled to have some more bloodwork done this next week, so hopefully things will be looking okay.

Oh...So back to my markers. LOL! I got sidetracked... I hung this on my bedroom wall. Nothing like keeping it right in my face. I cannot get through a day without looking at it. At the bottom of my posterboard, I listed some goals, and posted a few pictures. My husband proposed to me again, and asked if I'd like to renew our vows. No, no new jewelry. We were hoping to take the honeymoon I always wanted but we never got to take on our 10 year anniversary, but we are going to postpone it closer to my 30th birthday. That's certainly something to work toward. He and I both want to be able to do active, fun things like hiking without me limping back. I've got to really get these pounds off and strengthen and stretch my muscles to help with my stamina. Oh, and I still have "the swimsuit" that I ordered last year that I've never been able to wear. I posted the pictures of the resort we want to go to and the swimsuit on my poster.

Hopefully you'll be seeing more of me.

Are we normal?

2009-03-22T09:14:00.001-07:00

There is NOTHING like the sting of your child saying something honest. In my heart, I know he meant no harm, but it's stuck with me for about 3 weeks now. We were getting ready to eat dinner, and the boys and the hubby were all ready seated at the table. Out of nowhere, comes the innocent enough question, "Dad, are we normal?"

My husband looked at my 6 year old with the perplexed expression he usually has when addressing the million questions of the day, and said, "Sure, son. I guess we are."

This is when it happened.

"We are, but not Mom."

"Why? What makes Mom different? She's just as normal as the rest of us."

"But her tummy is really big and round. She's not normal." *heart cracking and pieces hitting the floor*

Oh, by the way, I do realize I haven't written anything in better than a month. I have a whole string of excuses, none of which are valid, really. The truth is that I'm wallowing and focusing on everything and everyone BUT me.

I went on a fabulous trip with amazing women to New Orleans. Their food is NOT comprised of healthy choices, and well, even though I did a lot of walking, I did a fair bit of drinking, and gained 5 pounds over that weekend.

Do you realize that since I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia and my doctor told me to stop doing the 30 Day Shred video, I have not worked out? I have done a video here or there, but nothing like I was doing. I was working out every day. Now my tummy is really showing it. My arms are softer. It's not hard fat, but it's the loose skin and lack of muscle tone indicative of an inactive lifestyle.

I am fighting with a sore neck that has been around for nearly 2 weeks now. I see the doctor tomorrow afternoon. I'm going to be tracking points again, and posting a chart on the refrigerator door. I need some reminders all around that I count and that I'm good enough to take care of. I turn 29 in less than a month. I don't want to start my 30's having undone all the hard work I put in last year. I want to start my 30's at a healthy weight, with no worries of seeing a BMI that says that I'm obese.

I hope you all are doing well, and I hope I can get back on track. I miss the motivated, happy person I was last year. I have to find that person again.

I love my husband

2009-02-17T05:48:00.000-08:00

My husband is feeling his age, I think. His wiry, "girlish" figure is taking more energy to maintain since he hit the big 3-0 and he's quickly approaching 31. He is on a health kick, and I am so proud of him. It is so nice to have him helping me choose healthy foods! He even stood patiently as I convinced him that the Light English Muffins were a better choice than bagels. (and they're only 1 point!)

I am proud to say that I am more points conscious, and my breakfast this morning was a whopping 2 points, but I feel fabulous! I had a Light English Muffin with some fat free cream cheese, as well as 2 cups of coffee. I used to drink a little coffee with my creamer and sugar, but have changed that habit! I only put 1 tsp of fat free creamer in a cup of coffee. I bought the man a coffee grinder for Valentine's, so it's nice to appreciate the flavor of the coffee without drowning it in fat and calories.

I'm ready to start feeling better and taking care of myself again.

It's been WEEKS.

2009-02-14T19:04:00.000-08:00

I haven't updated in a few weeks. My weight at this point? 190.5. I have gained 8 lbs since before the holidays. NOT where I'm wanting to be. I could have and SHOULD have reached my goal of 165 lbs by now. I should be happily twitting about in a size 8, without a care in the world. ha.

There are some things that I know are true...I do not consider them excuses, but fact. In November, I started the battle with the doctors trying to figure out what was going on with me. My husband has been on a patrol for a while now. The kids were sick, I got lazy... oh, and school has taken over my life. I didn't realize the time restraint early on, and now that I've only got 10 days to finish...Well, let's say that I'm feeling the pressure.

I have not steadily tracked my points in I can't remember when. I did track today, however, after seeing that I had reached 190 again. :( UGH. DAMMIT. UGH.

I have still been wallowing. I hope my "Come to Jesus" post did someone else some good, because it did nothing for me. I am feeling that desperation that all yo-yo dieters recognize:

"If I just do (that shake diet) for a few days... Maybe a cleanse. A cleanse... that's a good idea... It'd drop a few pounds quickly... and how bad could pooping really be for ya?" I am looking for a quick get thin scheme, and I KNOW better.

So right now I'm mad at myself. I have 4 weeks until I'm getting together with my girlfriends, and I'm feeling fat and depressed. I miss my husband. I spent Valentine's with my boys, which could be worse... Instead of a nice dinner out I had scrambled eggs with zucchini, grape tomatoes, and a little cheese.

I'm feeling sad, fat, and frustrated. Because the doctor told me to stop my weights, I stopped everything. Because I stopped counting for a few days, I stopped counting all together.

My friend, Roni, and I were on the phone the other day, and I was 'fessing up about my weight gain and my sense of overwhelm. She said that I needed to learn to focus on one thing at a time. I'm trying to manage a house, keep the kids cared for, and do school - at this point more than full-time - and as a "single" mom. Just like before, when I was living a very unhealthy life, I have put myself last. EVERYTHING has been coming before me, and my health and weight are showing it.

Another Contest Entry from Roni's Weigh!

2009-01-26T09:55:00.000-08:00

Check out the scale giveaway on Roni’s Weight Loss Blog! I can win an Affordable Food Scale from Eat Smart and so can you! Click here for contest details!

I need to have a "Come to Jesus" meeting...

2009-01-22T19:06:00.000-08:00

...with myself.

Stop it. Stop wallowing. Where's it getting you? Not any healthier, that's for sure! Yeah, you know what? Lots of people don't feel well. Lots of people don't know a diagnosis and feel like crap. That is no excuse! If anything, it's a reason to be taking BETTER care of yourself! Like sneaking those handfulls of popcorn or cheese crackers doesn't count? Who are you trying to fool? The scale isn't fooled, and that's why you only lost a half pound this week.

Suck it up. Yeah, he's gone for a while. You've got stress from school. You've bitten off more than you can chew - again. Deal with it. You can do it. You can do all of this if you will apply yourself. Hiding out, sulking, and stress eating isn't going to cut it. It's just not.

You have seven weeks from today. You'll see your BFF again, you'll get to meet some ladies IRL that you've befriended over the last few years. Don't you want to be at your best? Don't you want to be proud of yourself? Of course you do! Seven weeks. You could lose up to 14 lbs in that amount of time. Can you even imagine? Weighing the same as 9 years ago?

Follow the plan - the farmer market/fruit stand and the meat market. Don't buy those carbs. Just don't do it. Yes, I know how good buttered spaghetti is. You did a good job not buying a bunch of crap the last few weeks. Just hold out. You can do it. Get off your ass. It doesn't matter if you're not feeling well... stretch, go for a walk, but MOVE. Stop letting it get the best of you.

There is no one but you that can take these steps. This is your journey, Amber. No one else's.

Starting Point

2009-01-20T17:49:00.000-08:00

Weight is 185.5 - So, this is my starting point basically.

My weigh in's are Mondays - I'm going to try my best to remember to post them :)

Surprise!

2009-01-19T09:49:00.001-08:00

I'm still here.
I'm still kickin'.

Not... kickin' as much as Ambs though :)

She's a really good writer, and sometimes I feel like I just don't know what to say, or how to say it. Like Amber, I've fallen off the wagon. Buuuttt, I have a great new motivator, and her name is NOLA.
I'm gonna kick ass, and take names. Cause I am NOT going to be the "fat girl" in NOLA. I want to feel confident, and pretty, and ONLY wory about having a good time. Not worry that I don't look as pretty, or as thin, or as _____ as the other Chicks there. This isn't a trip to be self conscious. This is a trip to take a break from "Mommyhood" and "wifehood". A trip to feel good, and have a Fan-Freaking-Tastic good time. I determined to do that. AND, to show off my hard work to my chickies!!
Ambs and I have been looking up outfits and such, for the NOLA trip. I've got to keep remind myself that this trip is around the corner, an I've gotta make EVERY day count. And make SMART choices every day.

Goals are good!

2009-01-19T05:53:00.000-08:00

I can write down goals a hundred times and have them posted, but it does nothing for me if I don't have a deadline looming. A self-imposed deadline isn't really what I mean, I'm talking about a people-are-going-to-see-you kind of deadline.

You may remember last year I ordered a swim suit as a GOAL piece. It's a size 8. I tried it on yesterday, and it's incredible how different my body looks than this time last year. HOWEVER, I have a good 15 lbs before that thing fits anywhere near the way it was designed. I'm going to NOLA with some friends in March, and I have just the timeline to lose 15 lbs. I'll be staying at a hotel with a heated, saltwater pool, and I am taking that swimsuit with me. I'm also going to be ordering some new underwear, jammies, etc, and I'm ordering a medium instead of a large.

As much as I love to hate Jillian and her 30 day Shred, I think with my Fibromyalgia this is not the time to do it. We had a cold snap here last week, and I couldn't do it. I did good to walk most days. Last night I did 30 minutes of my Pilates video, and it was nice. I think the Shredding that I've done has helped me to really isolate muscles, and it made my Pilates workout much more effective last night. The Pilates feels nice and doesn't suck all my energy, plus it gives me some stretch and flexibility. I've been losing some of that, especially in my left leg.

The handsome hubs will be underway soon, so plan on seeing some good posts from me. It's SO much easier with him gone.

weighing in

2009-01-15T07:04:00.000-08:00

I've been following plan for a week today. The good news is that it's working - it always does when I work, too!

187.0~ down 2 lbs.

Yay for making better choices.

To pat myself on the back a bit, we went to Wal Mart for a few groceries last night. We have a lot of stressful things going on, and carbs are my weakness. I didn't purchase a single box of mac n cheese for "Logan," nor did I pick up ice cream, candy, cookies, or cupcakes like I really wanted to. I would have loved to drown my sorrows in about 300 grams of sugar, but I resisted. Instead, I came home and had half a banana and a bottle of water. :)

Healthy Again...

2009-01-13T19:43:00.000-08:00

Let's discuss the irony of the name of this blog. My goal last year was to really take charge of my life - my body, mind, and soul. I have made some FABULOUS changes. Our family got involved in a church here, which has been filling a very spacious void. I was awarded a scholarship and started taking classes online. Boy has that been more of a challenge than I expected. I joined Weight Watchers and lost 27 lbs (but I've gained a few back...). I'm seeing definition in my body from working out. All of these things are VERY good.

The best part of those changes is that I can see my children absorbing them. My little guy, just shy of 3 years old, talks about snacks being "good choices" or not-so-good choices. It warmed my heart when we went to a local chicken finger joint and he chose my cole slaw over his french fries. Working out has become a family thing... the boys do a few minutes of The Shred with us, which is hysterical. Chase even tries to do my pilates with me. LOL. Just picture that. They are growing by leaps and bounds inside and out, and I'm so proud of the big kids they are becoming... aware of healthy choices, oblivious (or accepting, I'm not sure which) of differences in other people, and SO affectionate.

So here's the irony: I am feeling lousy. We've gotten another cold snap the last 2 days here, and I'm barely able to walk again. I had ice on my car yesterday and again today. My hips are aching like crazy. I made the decision not to try to Shred every day. I think my body cannot handle it right now. From what I've read, with Fibromyalgia you should work out even when you don't feel like it, but I'm pretty sure they haven't met Jillian Michaels. ...just going out on a limb on that one... Pilates and more joint-friendly exercises are going to become the norm for a little while until I get this pain under control.

I guess from my physical exhaustion, pain, and fatigue, deadlines for school, and a looming patrol for the hubby, I am feeling a great deal of overwhelm. The good thing, food choice-wise, is that it's the end of a pay period, so we're short on food - especially bad food. Over the holidays I had a lot of fun, but I drank a lot of carbonated crap, and calories in a glass. I know NYE is one night, and all that jazz, but it seems like the past month has been filled with rum and coke nights here and there. Diet coke isn't diet when you add rum to it. :p

I'm still waiting on some lab work for my thyroid. One doctor suspected hyperthyroid, but the rheumatologist said I'm exhibiting hypothyroid symptoms. My thyroid is enlarged, my hair is falling out, and other misc TMI symptoms that you don't wanna know about.

Okay, so even though I've been diagnosed with a new disease, I can still continue my quest to be healthy again. It's just going to require another paradigm shift. Before long I'm going to be the San Andreas fault of paradigm shifting. Watch out, world... the big one's coming.

Weighing in. Ugh.

2009-01-08T06:10:00.000-08:00

I had to stop WW in November. In the last 7 weeks, I've gained 6 lbs. Yuck.

I'm at 189 today, starting back on the momentum plan. My daily points target is 24. I think I'll be keeping up with the shred just for the activity points. ;)

I didn't Shred yesterday. I was really sore and physically and emotionally exhausted from my visit with the rheumatologist. I got some answers and some more questions. For now, I have been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, but there may be other contributing factors, and they're testing me for those. I'll see the doctor again in a couple of weeks.

Thanks for your support!

~A~

I'm baaaaaaaack!

2009-01-07T08:16:00.000-08:00

Thank you, Leah! (|:|) (that's my little ninja face. LOL)

I'm now signed back up for WW, and exploring the Momentum plan. Seems a lot like flex with better focus on making healthy choices, not just the choices in your points range. I'm so excited. Tomorrow I'll start back up with my Thursday weigh ins. I know I've gained, so be prepared to watch my little ticker fill back up a little.

I am really excited to have a 5% goal to start with. Feels kinda good to have an easily attainable goal right there.

30 Day Shred - Check in post

2009-01-05T21:00:00.000-08:00

1-5-09: Done! :) (no 5 second breaks! WOOT!)

1-6-09: Done. Stuart joined me tonight. What a difference in my endurance from a few weeks ago!

1-12-09: Yeah... a little bit of a gap there. I need to focus on working even when I don't feel like it... We moved up to level 2.

Happy 2009!

2009-01-05T06:35:00.000-08:00

Back from our trip to TX. Let's just say that mindless eating, a lot of drinking, and a couple of cigars did NOT make for a healthy first few hours of this year. Actually, the first few days of the year included a lot of unhealthy food choices. This time last year, I would have said, "It was worth it -- it all tasted good!" Now, however, I know that nothing tastes as good as being healthy feels. (I know the quote is thin, but this is more about being healthy for me!) My worst choice? An avocado, stuffed with fajita chicken and melted cheese, breaded and fried.

I haven't been able to rejoin WW online yet, and I know that's my biggest obstacle right now. I need that accountability back. I tried a widget for my Apple that is similar, but I can't get into it with the ease that WW online provides.

Today begins a 30 Day Shred contest with some Coastie wives. I'm doing it come hell or high water. The hubby will be going on patrol soon, and I'm going to do this even with him gone. I want him to get back and really admire my arms and, well, everything. ;) The contest will have a winner with most inches lost, and a winner that completed the workout all 30 days. I'm going to check in here when I've completed my daily workout. I think I might start doing it during the day while Chase is at school, and see if my energy is better. We'll see...

Closing today with a picture of me and my sisters...

I came a long way in 2008, but have a ways to go still in 2009!

Warped Vision

2008-12-23T18:12:00.000-08:00

We're planning our trip to Texas next week. I am really excited because, although I am changing plans with the gorgeous Leah and her family, I get to spend New Year's Eve with my sisters. This hasn't happened in quite some time. My middle sister celebrates every year, and loves going all out and dressing up, and enjoying the night like many other successful DINKs do. The party she's hosting this year has a theme, even: Black & White.

Being a mom, living in jeans and changing into yoga pants ASAP, my wardrobe lacked some necessary oomph. A trip to TJ Maxx was in order. The thing I love about stores like Ross, TJ Maxx, and Marshalls is that you can try on many different types of clothing all at once, and it's kind of like a treasure hunt in the process. I don't mind digging and looking for a diamond in the rough. I will say, it's more fun with a friend. There's nothing like giggling for hours in the fitting rooms at discount stores and trying on outlandish things that end up looking good.

I took 7 items to the fitting room with me. One was a duplicate shirt. It was really cute, kind of a racerback sleeveless top, and the front was like a tuxedo shirt. Very cute, but it buttoned. That can be tricky with an ample bosom. I grabbed a Large, thought for a moment, and grabbed the XL as well. I also took another shirt that was a Large, a size 12 satin top, a long dress that was a Large, a shirt off the clearance rack that I thought was black (but was actually navy blue), and for grins, a size Medium dress.

In the fitting room, I tried on the XL tuxedo shirt first. I really liked the shirt, and did NOT want to crush myself by trying on the Large and having to settle for trying on the bigger one. Unfortunately, I'm sure most of you know what I'm talking about. It's crushing to have to resort to going up a size. The beautiful thing was that it was too large. MUCH too large. I tried on the smaller of the same shirt. It was a little too big, as well, but there was no way a smaller size would fasten. Oh, well. It was a no-go.

The navy blue shirt was discarded immediately. Cute top, just not appropriate for a B&W party. My error kind of reminded me of the day in high school when my choir teacher wore one black shoe and one navy one. Yup, Mrs. Pierce... those colors can be downright tricky.

The size 12 satin top was white, and fit, except over my chest. For the record, satin has no give. The long, black dress was too long, and not quite right. The other top I took back there was that trapeze cut that flared out a lot, and it was too big in the first place. NOT flattering.

The last thing I tried on? The size Medium. I cannot allow myself, somehow, to admit that I can wear a medium. When I shuffle through the racks, I still find myself leaning toward the 14s and the XL sizes. My head knows that I've lost weight. My eyes, though, cannot see it. My eyes are still seeing the body I had in April of this past year.

It was amazing trying on the dress, and it fit really nicely. I didn't purchase it, though, and I'm a little reluctant about that. It wasn't dressy enough for the occasion, and I didn't have extra money to just be shopping for myself. It had a really great neckline, and wasn't too clingy. Maybe we'll meet again another time...

I did end up going to the mall and shopping in XXI, a store that recently opened locally. It's really nice to be able to shop in a junior's size store with the sense and modesty of an adult. They have some fabulous things in there, but they have some things that are quite inappropriate for me. LOL. I ended up purchasing a sleeveless knit top that is just dressy enough without being too much. I'm not sure whether I'll be wearing it with dark jeans or black pants just yet, but it'll look great either way. I feel sure of it.

You can certainly expect some pictures of me and my sisters from the party. Just have to wait a week or so. ;)

Update on a Sunday?!

2008-12-21T18:48:00.001-08:00

Yeah, what can I say... The new goals have me motivated.

The hubs and I did the 30 day shred tonight. The weather cooled back down into the 40's today (yeah, it was just in the 70's 2 days ago...), and my right hip is stiff, but we did it. I did 3 lb weights, and we went back to Level 1. We're paying for the lethargy and sloth, but it feels good to be back in the saddle.

Yay for doing what we should! OH! and another good one... I have a habit of giving in anytime he asks for a snack or whatever... Well, I was in town yesterday and got some hot cocoa packets instead of soda or beer, which I'd drink a bunch of at a time. Cocoa is an indulgence, but it's a more responsible choice.

I'm so happy for my friend, Leah, and more than a little envious... Not only does she have 17 mile long legs, a gorgeous smile, and a beautiful family, she bought some new, smaller jeans! Yay, Leah! You are a rock star, and you are gorgeous! I am proud of you! <3

Okay, now I'm ready to post...

2008-12-19T08:46:00.000-08:00

I cannot do this without the accountability of WW online. I can't. I have intentions of tracking points, but without the online tools, I'm not doing it. I had a FABULOUS routine where I'd sit and track after EVERY thing I ate. Now it's been a month without it, and I guarantee I've gained. Thank God my scale's battery died. I'm sure I don't want to know.

I have a little negative, then I have some positive, so bear with me. The 30 day Shred? Haven't done it in over a week and a half. My body has been hurting. I'm struggling with day-to-day things like chores and laundry. Not struggling as in my depression is bad again and I don't want to do anything, but physically I'm limited. I don't know if I all ready mentioned this, but I went out for margaritas and all sorts of fried, cheesy goodness recently with two friends. I got there first, and sat in my comfy chair. When it was time to take pics, I really struggled to get up. Kinda blew my cover a little bit, to say the least. I had been trying SO hard to not let on that I felt that bad.

I am frustrated because I have given in to my darling husband and his sweet tooth and snacking binges. He likes to have a couple of beers on the weekends, which is fine, and he's responsible about it and all, but I CANNOT drink that stuff without paying the price on the scale. I've noticed other physical changes with changes in my diet, and I just have to get back to doing it right.

So, like Mary, I am going to post some new goals, as mine from a while back are blown. Maybe I should be more realistic:

I need to do the Shred video 5 days each week. whether S does it with me or not.

Tuesday and Thursday I need to do the Shred and my Pilates video.

I have 12 weeks until my girls' getaway to NOLA. I want to be at my goal of 165 by then.

Those are the big ones. I will also be using some Christmas money to get myself set back up on WW online. I just have to do it. It's going to be a big one-time investment (again), but if I think back over this past month, I can think of $17 that I could've NOT spent on snack food and put toward WW instead. I'll be taking a stand for myself in that aspect.

Let's talk good things for a little while...

I woke up this past Tuesday morning at 5:30 to a sweet little face staring into mine. "Good morning, beautiful Mommy!" I'll tell you, that is CERTAINLY the way to start the day. The boys have both been so encouraging to me lately, and with kids, you know whatever they say comes from the heart. My sweetheart of a husband even stopped me in the kitchen with a hug a few days ago, and said, "Baby, I don't tell you enough, but you do such a great job around here and with the boys. Thank you for all you do." (Pick your jaw up. Men are capable of doing this... I couldn't believe it, either!)

More good:

Many thanks to a fellow CG wife that offered to send me some hand-me-downs. I don't know if she wants me to divulge her name, so I'll keep you guessing. She sent me quite a few pairs of pants, all size 10 or around there, and a size 9 pair of jeans. I will tell you now, that if I can wear those size 9's at some point in the next six months, I will dance a jig and post the video here. I'm not kidding. She also sent me a couple of adorable blazers. I am so thankful for her generosity. There's something quite hysterical in this situation. I can leave my home, go shopping for hours trying on pants and tops, praying something will fit, and come home empty-handed every time. HOWEVER, a friend that has never seen me in person, sends me a box of clothes, and they all fit. Figure that out! The pants were all the perfect length. Totally cracks me up.

Don't give up on me, friends.

It's Thursday!

2008-12-18T11:55:00.000-08:00

No weigh in today... my scale's battery is dead.

I have some thoughts and gripes, but it's about time to get the big boy from school, so I'm leaving you in suspense...

Stay tuned. ;)

2008-12-08T18:32:00.000-08:00

We were supposed to be measuring every Monday, but that didn't happen. The DSL connection at my house was out this weekend, and I had to survive without my blog fixes for 2.5 days. I'm back and better than ever, though.

Here are last week's measurements, taken on 12/6/08. (the order is original measurement, current measurement) There are a lot of green numbers, which indicate a loss. Yay!

Bust: 42 - 40.5
Chest: 37 - 36.75
Waist: 36 - 36
Hips: 40.5 - 39
Thighs: 24.5 (right) 23.5
Calves: 16.5 (right) 16.5
Upper arm: 14.5 (right) 14.75
Forearm: 11.5 (right) 11.5

Today's weigh in

2008-12-04T06:06:00.000-08:00

This past week was full of dining on a fabulous meal from Thanksgiving. We were so lucky to have friends that prepared and delivered a great meal for us. Our family had tossed a stomach bug back and forth for a week so we weren't able to get out and participate with our friends as planned. Leah, P, Rochelle, and A - we thank you so much for thinking of us.

As the week progressed, and we started feeling better, I went to the store to get groceries. Much to my delight (though it should have been dismay) the Candy Cane Hershey's Kisses were available. I can not tell you enough how much I love these things. White chocolate kisses with peppermint pieces inside. mmm. Needless to say, I bought a bag, and have been sneaking 3 or 4 at a time.

I've also been frustrated about my medical junk, and ate the better part of a BOX of Kraft Mac & Cheese the other day. It is always my emotional security blanket. It has been for a long time. It's kind of funny that mac & cheese is my comfort food choice. I recognized that I was being an emotional eater - and confessed it to Leah on the phone.

So to make a long story longer, my weight today is 182.5.

Same as last week. I didn't lose, but I didn't gain, and this week I think that's an accomplishment.

Stuart is going to take my measurements tonight to see how the Shred is working. Because of my joint pain we're alternating the Shred and pilates. The Pilates is a nice break to lengthen my muscles and really take time to stretch.

BTW, my lab results were normal, so I see a rheumatologist in a few weeks for more testing. The good news is that I don't have Lupus, the frustrating news is that I still don't know what's wrong.

Progress Slideshow

2008-12-03T08:57:00.000-08:00

Wow. That's about all I can say. This slideshow is a compilation of pics from April to now. I still have a long way to go, but I have come quite a way, too. I have to encourage myself with that.

I am having a hard time waiting for the results from my recent medical testing. I'm feeling really badly, and I'm trying to just make it through the day. I'm trying to do the Shred at least 3 days a week. My joints are really inflamed, and I'm waiting on lab results to have the exact diagnosis. I did do Pilates last night, which felt great. If I can just keep moving and challenging my body, I'll be all right.

I have to tone up my arms and I have to get this fat off my belly. I find myself focusing on these two areas instead of giving myself credit for how far I've come. Oh, and looking at these pictures makes me gasp. I can and will do this. I will.

Roni's Contest Entry

2008-12-01T12:53:00.001-08:00

I entered the Mary Lou's Weigh Platform Giveaway!

Check out Roni’s Weight Loss Blog for more information.

and if you readers haven't checked out Roni's site (different than our Roni ;) ) I encourage you to do so! She has lots of great BTDT advice, and has a site for recipes at Green Lite Bites!

Ugh. Not a good day.

2008-11-27T07:37:00.000-08:00

From that title, I'm sure you think I gained or something. Nope. My weigh in today is 182.5. I'm down another half pound. 27 lbs total.

Here's what I don't get. I really don't like me right now. I don't know why. I hate looking at pictures of myself. I hate looking in the mirror. I took pictures today for a friend and you can see the pain in my face.

Granted, I've been under the weather this week, so my energy level is shot. Here's the thing, though... I feel like I'm digging all the time for compliments from the person that I crave them from the most. I mean, damn. I've lost 27 lbs in the last 6 mos. This stems from, not the fact that my husband is insensitive, but that I am not happy with me.

Those of you that have undergone this transformation - What do you do? How do you keep your chin up? Gah. My chin...

The irony is that I named this blog "Double Chin to Healthy Again" and my chin won't go away. I am SO sad about that. I'm so discouraged.

So today is Thanksgiving and I'm miserable. I am thankful for my friends and family, and thankful that God provides for us day in and day out.

I just have to figure out how to be thankful for me today. I'm struggling with that one.

...and to think, I thought I was smiling in this pic. These eyes don't hide anything.

30 Day Shred - Official Day 1

2008-11-24T17:47:00.000-08:00

Let's bring y'all up to speed a little bit. Things have been going well, and I seem to have busted through the plateau that I had reached. I have been dealing with symptoms of something that seems like fibromyalgia or some sort of chronic fatigue related issue. I am noticing a lot of sagging and softness in my body, and realize that I need to work on toning. I refuse to let my physical tiredness keep me down completely. I am being smart about not pushing my limits. I posted before about the 30 Day Shred, and skipped about 4 days with my sister here. It's time to get going on it.

Because of the holidays and some extenuating circumstances, I had to cancel my WW subscription, but am hoping to be able to continue to stay on track at home on my own. It's going to be hard, and I'm going to rely on your support and nagging, if necessary. I started the Shred again today, and took some measurements to keep track of my progress. A very wise friend told me not to beat myself up if I start gaining a little before I lose with it. 30 days from today will be Christmas Eve. What better gift to give myself than my own health?

From About.com, here are my measurements to track:

Bust: Measure around the chest right at the nipple line, but don't pull the tape too tight.
Chest: Measure just under your bust
Waist: Measure a half-inch above your belly button or at the smallest part of your waist
Hips: Place tape measure around the biggest part of your hips
Thighs: Measure around the biggest part of each thigh
Calves: Measure around the largest part of each calf
Upper arm: Measure around the largest part of each arm above the elbow
Forearm: Measure around the largest part of the arm below the elbow.

Bust: 42

Chest: 37

Waist: 36

Hips: 40.5

Thighs: 24.5 (right)

Calves: 16.5 (right)

Upper arm: 14.5 (right)

Forearm: 11.5 (right)

I'll track measurements on Mondays, and have Stuart measure for me. Stay tuned!

what a week!

2008-11-20T06:24:00.003-08:00

Let's say this week has been hectic! Sick kids - again - and the return of my love! I was devastated after the realization that my planned dress didn't work, and was concerned that I didn't have the funds to find something else. I happened to find something pretty fabulous at Ross for $13~ Not too shabby! It certainly flattered my legs!

Let's just say that the dress had the intended effect. My husband was crazy about it, and we were so happy to be reunited after a Hellish month.

I also started a new workout in addition to my pilates - Jillian Michaels' 30 Day Shred. Oh. Wow. Faint of heart do NOT attempt. It is TOUGH. Really tough. After the first two days, I could not bear for my children to touch my arms or legs. It was painful. I have no doubt that I am gaining muscle from this video, and I will be toning up and strengthening these muscles. Since my husband will be home for a while, he's doing it with me, and I couldn't be happier.

Today's weight was 183.0. I'm down .5 lb. It's still a loss, but it's the smallest difference in a while. I've got the challenges of family visiting, my son's birthday, my husband being home, and Thanksgiving staring me in the face in the coming days. Yee Haw.

Weighing in - 11/14

2008-11-14T04:34:00.000-08:00

Today's weight is 183.5. I am down one pound from last week's weight.

I'm a little disappointed, but a pound is a pound, and I need to be proud of myself for continuing to lose. I am encouraged that I have had a LOT of stress lately, but I haven't fallen off the deep end. It would sure be easy to dive into macaroni and cheese and pizza, though. (Hence why I have neither of those items in my home.)

I might be at 182.5 when S gets home, and that's okay. I might be at 183.5 still when he gets home, and that's okay, too. I'm noticing changes in my clothes again, and that's nice.

...and because you might need a laugh today, here's a little confession. My dress that I thought fit like a dream? Well, the reality is that I was so stoked that a 12 came in the mail and wasn't skin tight or impossible to wear, that it fit like a dream. I couldn't quite find my waist swimming in that thing, so I bought a belt (size M, I might add). Even with the belt things didn't feel quite right.

I consulted Roni, my partner in this whole weight loss/healthier living thing, and she laughed her butt off at me and said that the dress was too big! LOL!

I had no idea. So, for your viewing pleasure, here is my too-big dress. Now I have nothing super special to wear at the boat's homecoming, but that's all right. I think he'll just be happy to see me.

It's Thursday?

2008-11-13T08:08:00.000-08:00

Man, with no school on Tuesday this week, I'm thrown completely off.

I forgot to weigh in today, so I'll get it tomorrow. Sorry. I'm ready for my brain to function again. When does pregnancy brain go away? It's been almost 3 years! LOL!

A Saturday evening victory

2008-11-08T17:37:00.000-08:00

I'm sitting on the sofa right now, exhausted. Whatever is going on with my body makes my limbs feel like I have the flu or something. I have no energy, it seems. I'm not going to whine, even though I just typed out a miserable little ditty and erased it. No need to dwell on not feeling well. I have good news to report!

I believe I have mentioned this Pilates DVD before, but it certainly bears mentioning again! What I love about this particular workout is that there are 5, 10-minute workouts that

you can customize. It is a RARE day that I have 50 minutes at a time to work out, but being able to choose focus areas for a 30 minute work out is so nice! Also, it comes with 2 resistance bands, which I really prefer to free weights, especially right now. The bands make it easier to maintain form, and I believe they are safer on my joints than trying to throw around free weights like with some of my workout DVDs.

I try to do the Pilates for Abs section at least 3 times a week. I have really been working on strengthening this portion of my body for a long time. Having 4 abdominal surgeries in as many years was really tough on my abdominal wall. My lower abdominals are pathetic. This section is really tough, and there are parts that I just kind of pretend to be able to do. Tonight, even though I'm feeling rough, I decided to push through and really try.

One of the positions is lying on your back with your knees bent. From this position you are supposed to sit up and do this. Gracefully and in one smooth movement:

I did it!!!! I really did it! My abs were burning, but I did it. I am finally gaining some strength, and I'm so proud of myself.

Hello!

2008-11-08T00:17:00.000-08:00

I feel like I've been MIA so long that I should re-introduce myself!

I'm still here! I'm really not sure what to say other than I'm starting back at square one. I kinda feel like I subconsciously prioritized my "battles", and this got pushed to the back of the list.
Sadly.

Anyways, I'm back and so is my drive and focus.

I want to be in a 12 by Christmas, that's my new goal. Amber's been showing me some CUUUTE clothes on these websites, and I'm dying to be able to fit in to them. Not to mention, the wardrobe I already have in my closet!

It feels like my TTC "battle", weight "battle" and all the 100 other things got too overwhelming.
I'm taking a serious break from TTC. Too much emotionally came with that journey and I need a mental breather before starting back up again.

So, right now
*weight
*purging all the crap in my house
* mental health, I'm going to ask my doctor about Zoloft - anyone know anything about it??

These are 3 things that I can do in moderation that won't overstimulate me. And, they'll benefit me in the long run. I have SO much in my house that needs to GOOOOOO. My weight needs to go down, and I need to address the anxiety I've had since moving to Mississippi that I couldn't take medication for while TTC.

This kinda got off track from being just about weight loss - I just wanted you all to know that I'm still here!!

Thursday weigh In - 11/6

2008-11-06T04:27:00.000-08:00

I'm cutting to the chase on this one...

This week's loss is a milestone for me.

I lost 3.0 lbs this week, and my current weight is 184.5.

I have now lost 25 lbs!

In other news, my dress came in. Let me tell you, to order a size 12 dress was nerve wracking for me. I was so afraid it wouldn't fit. Not only did it fit, but it fits beautifully. The grey is the perfect color, and my patent red slingbacks look fantastic with it. I know you're going to ask for pictures, but the ones I have are all crooked and I have no makeup. My 5 year old isn't very skilled with the camera. LOL! I will get a pic when I wear it to go pick up my man, though. I'm gonna be DECKED OUT. I cannot wait.

Gotta get the big kid ready for school, and the little kid is quite fussy this morning. I have my work cut out for me!

Oh, and I still have 2 weigh-ins before my sweetie pie comes home. My goal was 182 before he got home, but I'm really hoping to see 180 or 180.5. Wouldn't that be SWEET?

What 10% Means

2008-11-02T05:19:00.000-08:00

I achieved my 10% loss this past week, and said I'd fill you in on what that means. Direct from WW's site:

A Healthier Heart
By losing just 10 percent of your body weight, you can lower your cholesterol and reduce your blood pressure, says G. Ken Goodrick, PhD, psychologist and associate professor of medicine at Baylor College of Medicine in Houston, Texas. High cholesterol and elevated blood pressure are two major risk factors for heart disease.

Lower Risk of Type 2 Diabetes
If you're overweight, you're at increased risk for type 2 diabetes, which mea

ns your body can't make enough, or properly use, insulin, a hormone that helps convert food to usable energy. By losing just 10 percent of your body weight, you'll improve your body's ability to use the insulin it makes, possibly preventing the onset of the disease, Miller-Kovach says. If you already have type 2 diabetes, shedding that 10 percent may improve your symptoms and possibly prevent complications, she adds.

More Pep
"Just a 10 percent weight loss increases feelings of vigor and vitality," says Miller-

Kovach. "You'll feel better and have more energy."

A Mental Edge
Losing 10 percent can give you the self-confidence and motivation you need to keep going. "Success builds on success," says Miller-Kovach. But be sure you recognize it. "Losing 10 percent is a milestone in the journey," says Miller-Kovach. "Once you get there, take the time to congratulate yourself on your efforts."

Reality Check
After losing 10 percent, you gain a sense of what it will take to lose the rest and reach your final goal weight. "It gives you a context in terms of saying, 'Am I willing

to put in that much more effort to lose even more weight?'" Miller-Kovach says. If the answer is no, that's okay. "Some people only lose 10 percent and that's it," says Goodrick. If that's you, pat yourself on the back. "Health-wise, a 10-percent weight

loss is a great achievement," Goodrick says.

In other news, and because I cannot contain myself:

For some reason, on Friday, I wondered whether I could fit into my husband's blue jeans. He's out of town, so I didn't have to worry about being embarrassed when I had 5 more inches to go before could pull them up.

Little did I know, I COULD pull them up. I then fastened and zipped them. It wasn't pretty. I had the muffin top from Hell. The important thing to me was that I put those bad boys on. My husband has a 30 inch waist. (I know, right? Jerk.) In all the years that he and I have been together (It'll be 14 years in January), I have NEVER been able to pull up a 30 waist pair of mens' pants. When I was a freshman or sophomore I think my hips just weren't right, because I had tried on some men's pants, and I know I was 20 lbs lighter then than I am now.

I digress. I'm rambling. Here are the pics. :)

Quickie - Weigh In 10/30

2008-10-30T04:40:00.000-07:00

Back on the horse, and the losin's good!

Today's weigh in is an important one. I have now lost 10% of my original body weight. I'll post later about what that means, but I've gotta get the kids ready to get out this morning...

Today's number is 187.5! It's a 2 lb loss from last week.

I am really hoping to be at 182 by the time Stuart comes home. I know I can. We're not even halfway into the patrol, so I have time to do it safely. I'm ordering a BEAUTIFUL dress to wear to pick him up.

Started jogging a little this week, and did 30 minutes of pilates last night. The pilates was GREAT! AAAAAND, I was able to do the thing where you lay flat on your back and roll up to sitting (like my technical knowledge?). I couldn't do it before, though, and I totally did last night! WOO HOO!

Have a great day!

I realized

2008-10-26T06:02:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking since my weigh in on Thursday about the journey. This journey. Becoming healthier is so important to me. Realizing that food is FOOD and doesn't have control over me, my thoughts, or life... Recognizing the magnitude of making good choices and being aware of what I'm putting in my mouth...

So much of this has NOT been about the number on the scale. Of course, there is a big part that IS about that number. I've been so worried about the changes and putting my energy into DOING IT that I hadn't thought about being in the 180s means to me.

When I was in high school, I weighed 165 in 10th grade. I wore a size 8. I was curvy, and not the stick that the cheerleaders and drill team members were. Of course I gave myself a hard time about it. My parents didn't have the money to buy me clothes that fit properly, so I wore ill-fitting hand me downs from my 30-something aunts, went to the Goodwill with my grandmother, or wore Chic jeans from K Mart. (wanna talk about some MOM jeans? EW!)

Tenth grade was also the end of my parents' marriage. They were separated, and in the beginning of my 11th grade year the divorce was finalized. To say it was ugly is an understatement. My mom started dating immediately and remarried by February. At that point I had all ready started gaining, but I have no idea what I weighed. Stuart was away at college, my family had fallen apart, and I was depressed. I didn't really have friends... I had people that I spoke to in class, I was able to laugh with them in English or whatever, but I didn't have someone to hang out with, or someone to really confide in. That's mostly my fault, but it's moot at this point. I spent my weekends locked in my room so that I wouldn't have to see what was going on in my house.

By the time I graduated high school, I weighed over 200 lbs. I wore a size 16 dress to graduation. Thinking back, I am angry that no one in my family cared enough to take me shopping for a new dress or tried to help me see some value in myself. I had stretch marks on my lower stomach from gaining so much weight so rapidly. I was ashamed of my body. Ashamed of myself.

After being out of school for 10 years, there is only one person that I've kept in touch with. I'm not good enough at keeping in touch, but she's good about calling me every now and again and we pick up right where we left off. M, I know you're going to read this. I'm sorry I couldn't be a better friend then. I didn't know how to really be a friend. I didn't even like myself, so it was hard to know how to be a friend to someone else. You know parts of what life was like for me as a kid, and I know you know how hard I'm working as an adult to change my future and the future of my kids from being like that. I felt so alone, and felt like I didn't deserve - well, anything. I am working now really hard on self-worth and taking care of me.

SO the long and longer of this is that I realized something this week:

No matter what my goal weight is, no matter what my maintenance weight number is, I am healthier right now - in a lot of ways - than in high school. How's that for a revelation?

Even more is this:

After high school, a lot more happened, and I ended up living with my grandparents. It's beyond being a long story. I tried to take care of myself, and lost a lot of weight. I was down to 172, and wearing a size 10/12. That is what I weighed when I got married 172-175. I am almost there. It is within reach. I felt SO GOOD about myself then.

My poor body has been through so much. All of this that's been mentioned plus having 2 kids via C-section, then having a hysterectomy at 26. My skin is stretched and scarred, and my muscles need some strengthening and toning. It's about time I take care of myself.

It's about time.

Thursday Weigh In - 10/23

2008-10-23T06:04:00.000-07:00

Weighing in today at 189.5. Glad to still be under 190.

I have been tracking like a maniac since my husband got underway. It is SO much easier with him gone. I had been eating so much, and so many bad things, that this last week has been a little rough. I had to get over the cravings for snacking all day, remember that I was bored most of the time, not hungry, and really concentrate on what I was putting in my mouth and why.

I have a lot of changes coming up soon! I'll be starting school next month. Can you even believe it? I know...me, either! Working on some big "interweb" projects, as well.

OH, and I got a phone call last week to ask if we were driving to TX for Thanksgiving. For a lot of reasons, we are not. My fabulous husband wants us to have a healthy Thanksgiving at home. I am SO grateful for that. I'm looking into recipes now. The biggest challenge for me? Sweet Potato Casserole. Not the stuff with marshmallows on top. I love the kind with the pecan streusel adorning the fluffy, soft, sweet potatoes.

Since we're not going 'home', though, my sister and her husband will be coming the weekend before to visit. This is a PRIME time for me to start working hard on toning up. My sister, the size 4, is someone that I tend to envy. (That's another therapy session there, though...) It is my goal to show her what I'm made of. I don't mean losing weight for her, I mean losing weight so that I don't feel so self-conscious and awkward around her.

Tanoi and Barb, watch out! I'm back on track and lookin' to lose! :p

xoxo,

~A~

Weigh in day! 10/16

2008-10-16T06:03:00.000-07:00

Well, I can say that I'm not at the point I hoped to be at this point, but that's all right.

My weigh-in today was 189.5! I'm SO glad to be back on track and seeing the number under 190.

In other news, I bought a new pair of jeans at Kohl's Tuesday night. I was so excited to see Levi's on clearance for $11.99. Even more excited to be able to purchase a size 10! I have one other pair of pants that are a 10, but they are a drawstring waist, so to me that doesn't really count. Jeans, on the other hand... I am elated.

I was out of town last week. Thanks to those of you that checked in on me and left me words of encouragement. It was nice to see my friends in CA again. It was also nice to see their reaction to my physical changes. It really reinforced to me how much work I have done, and how much I still have to do.

My husband will be out of town soon and I'm really hoping to tone up and surprise the mess out of him when he gets home. I'm noticing that I'm getting smaller in a lot of places, but I have no muscle tone. I have plenty of tools around the house, but I'm not making time to use them. I'll be working on that in the coming weeks.

Thanks for your support, and for continuing to encourage and follow me.

Here's a question for those of you who are losing or have lost:

What kind of shirts/tops/blouses do you wear that are flattering? I am having the hardest time finding things that look nice! I don't like to see lumpy bumpy tummy under my shirts, and going up a size means that I swim in them. Wearing empire waisted tops can be okay at times, but other times I look pregnant. It's frustrating, and makes me wish that I lived in a cooler climate so I could hide under a sweater for the next few months.

Thursday is weigh in day!

2008-10-02T19:56:00.000-07:00

Haven't done this faithfully lately.

Today's weigh in was 191. I've gained 1.5 lbs since my last weigh in. I'm not discouraged, but moving forward.

I am leaving soon for a trip out west. I am looking forward to the break and hoping to come back refreshed.

Thanks for all of you for following me. I will update more soon.

I'm a gutless flip flopper!

2008-09-27T13:57:00.000-07:00

Recognize this face? This is Runt, from Disney's Chicken Little. We love this movie around here. The kids have the soundtrack and it's often heard playing in my little mom-mobile. I love and can appreciate the story and the struggle that Chicken Little endures not being able to effectively communicate with his father. That's a little deep, but it is what it is.

Runt has a fantastic line in the film. He's not a real strong guy emotionally, and goes along with what everyone else says. The line is: "I'm a gutless flip flopper!" (though I could go with quite a few of his lines... "Just leave me some ammo, a little water... some chips if you have 'em...", "darn these genetically tiny legs", etc.)

Argh. I tell myself I'm going to do better. I have a goal-making meeting with my husband and unload all the yuck in my soul on to him. We both vow to get back on track with things, and disaster strikes. Hurricane Ike hit my hometown. Most of my family didn't evacuate, but my baby sister and her boyfriend did, thankfully. They came here, and we were able to visit. The homes of our family members were spared, but the communities in Southeast Texas have a lot of rebuilding in the immediate future.

Now, all of my family knows that I'm on Weight Watchers. My parents, sisters, grandparents - they all know. However, when they are here, there is NO mind paid to that. Sure, they're proud that my butt is smaller, my face is more defined, my tummy doesn't stick out AS far, but no respect or concern is shown to my decision to eat healthier. Instead of rocking the boat, I go along with them, eating fried seafood, BBQ, and all sorts of unhealthy bad choices.

As I was saying, my sister was here, then after she left, my dad came. The power took a week to be restored in his home - longer in many other areas - and he wanted a place to stay with running water and electricity. Who could blame him? He made a really yummy dinner one night... it was spaghetti with (no exaggeration) pepperoni, italian sausage, ground turkey, ground pork, tomato sauce and whole wheat pasta. I suppose the whole wheat pasta is to try to soak up some of the grease in all that meat, but who knows. I was SO sick after I ate it - not because it was bad, but because it was bad for me. My body didn't want any part of it.

I know for a fact that if I'd spoken up and stood my ground, they would've shown respect. Most people will. It's not about me pushing what I'm doing on other people, and I need to realize that. It's about me doing what's healthy for ME. So, as often happens after a period of unhealthy eating, I started beating myself up about it.

Then, it happened. One of my WORST fears was realized.

Chase said, "Mom, you're so FAT!"

My spirit was crushed, and I thought at first that there was no way he knew what that meant. We don't ever talk about people being fat, I don't say that I feel fat, etc.

I said, "Son, do you even know what that means?"

"Yeah! You're really fat... like a PIG!"

I explained to him in as many words as I could muster without being tearful that what he said was hurtful, and I didn't appreciate it. I then texted the conversation to my husband, who was able to explain things to Chase a little better when he got home from work, without emotion tied in.

I was hurt for one, because I've lost 20 pounds. I'm not as fat as I was, for crying out loud! Two, I was hurt because I knew that I hadn't been taking good care of myself in the last couple of months, and I hadn't been following the plan and counting points. Mostly, I was hurt because I feel like I'm letting him down. My parents have both always been overweight. I can remember trying to explain to one of the neighborhood girls that my mom was NOT going to have a baby, her belly was just like that. I'm not saying that if you have an overweight family member you should be ashamed of them. What I'm saying is that I don't want that to be a reason that my children are ashamed of me.

The taunting, laughing, and name calling that Chase showed me in those few minutes was so incredibly hurtful to me. I know that he, as a five year old, would not maliciously say those things to hurt me, but it was certainly a wake up call, and a reason to put my perspective and complacent attitude into check.

I have to work on being healthy for me in the company of others. After my mom and grandmother came, Stuart came home, Ashley and her boyfriend came, and my dad visited. This was all in the span of about 6 or 8 weeks. My life has been a roller coaster ride. It's not been living for me, taking care of me anymore, but gutlessly flip flopping and doing what won't rock the boat with those I'm around.

I haven't done an official weigh in for the past couple of weeks. I'll weigh in on Thursday and give you guys the number. If you don't see a post here, call me out on it. I need it. I need help to get back on track...

It all boils down to me being willing to fight for me, though.

Digging Myself Out

2008-09-09T10:46:00.000-07:00

Okay, so after my VERY down-in-the-dumps post the other day, I had a long sit down with my amazing husband. I am SO fortunate to be married to a man that "gets" me. I had concerns, doubts, and lots of negative emotions that I needed to get out. He received it all very well, and didn't take anything personally. I am so thankful that our talk went the way it did.

The end result was amazing. My husband insisted that when he's home I get 2 hours to myself a day. (Personally, I think that's a good goal, and I'll probably end up with 1, but still...) We'll be adjusting the budget so that I can try to catch a movie with a girlfriend every now and again, and we're going to plan on a date night once a month. Nothing extravagant, but time for us to reconnect. Having him on a boat and away from home so much has been such a life-changing event for our family. I say all the time that we are a team, and it's really true. I am able to function while he's gone. I do most of what I need to do, and manage a little sleep now and again. When he's home, though, it's just so different.

I digress...

The other portion of our meeting was me setting goals. These goal run the gamut from weight loss goals to chores. I know it may seem silly to make a chore/task sheet for an adult, but when I get depressed and withdraw, I need to completely refocus.

So, in case there are others in the same boat as me, I am willing to share my task and goal sheet. I am a little obsessed with vintage pinups, as you can see. Hopefully you'll be able to click to enlarge the pic to see it.

In other news, we've been more active as a family, and I weighed this morning just to see exactly where I am. I'm at 189.5, which is where I left off when my mom and grandmother were here. I'm back on track, so watch out!

Health

2008-09-06T17:32:00.000-07:00

Health is just as much a mental and emotional condition as it is physical. I'm not really feeling healthy in either realm lately.

So, Becca, here's the cold, hard truth.

My mom and grandmother came about, what, 5 weeks ago? Maybe 6? The first days they were here I was a counting fool. Then, I gave into their, "oh, come on" and "you have to live a little, and you only live once!" Yeah. So by the end of their visit, I hadn't counted points in a couple days.

I still haven't counted points for a whole day since. It's heartbreaking.

In the midst of that, I don't know really what else has happened. Perhaps it all goes hand-in-hand. Emotionally, I was feeling FANTASTIC when I was eating well. Not so much always feeling good about myself, but not moping and miserable.

The last few weeks have been hard. I'm wallowing. There is a nice pit here filled with loneliness, sadness, and indifference. I'm so incredibly sad. Truthfully. I don't know if I need to get into the doctor and see about adjusting my Effexor, or what, but I'm having a hard time coping. I do have triggers, though. I have very real stressors in my life right now. Another common denominator is money. It's expensive trying to live on the economy here. Produce is expensive, meat is ridiculous, not to mention milk and eggs. That's not an excuse, it's a fact.

You girls that know me pretty well know that for me to deal with things, I have to dump 'em all out there; sorry about that.

I am not loving me much at all. I told Roni on the phone last night that it's strange that I have so many friends that confide in me. I told her I look a lot better on the computer screen. I don't feel like I deserve things right now. Please don't judge me, or think that I'm being overly dramatic. I'm actually being brutally honest. I don't have the energy lately to care about keeping tabs on the house. I have been making bad food choices. Very bad. I'm not really eating out, but when Stuart comes home, so do sodas, candy, chips, and all the crap I wouldn't normally have in the house. Since it's here, I'm eating it. I am. My face is broken out like crazy. I have bags under my eyes from not sleeping well. I have no energy at all.

I haven't worked out in over a week. I need to. I miss it. I just don't know how to do it. It boils down to the fact that I just HAVE to do it. I'm not entirely sure how, but I do.

Thank you, friends, for not giving up on me. The good news is I haven't gained an extravagant amount of weight. I did, at my last weigh in, gain 1.5 lbs.

I need some prayer, and I need some change. Most of all, I need for me to get on the ball and get on my team. I'm going to be making myself an outline with chores and kind of a timeline for the school days. I will do it to pull myself out. I don't like the me I am today. I don't like the mom I'm being...uninvolved and withdrawn.

Onward to health. The search for me continues...

Oy.

2008-08-23T06:48:00.000-07:00

The view is not so spectacular. I have been at 189.5 - 190.5 for the last few weeks. Ugh. Gotta find a new something to add/change. I'll be incorporating some more strenuous workouts, emphasizing my cardio, and really working on drinking more.

Keep pushing me. This plateau is really getting me down. I'm not going to give up, even though I'd love to. I've got a size 8 bathing suit to get into, after all!

LOL

2008-08-15T17:26:00.001-07:00

see more dog pictures

My New Diet!!!!!!

2008-08-08T15:12:00.000-07:00

Seefood diet!! I'm sure you've heard of it, it's the diet where you See Food, and you eat it...
Ah ha ha, I'm so funny.
I've been doing so well, but the past five days I've sucked. I think I caught it from Amber *cough cough*. No, really I think it's the damn Clomid. I'm trying to minimize the excuses I tell myself... but really, I think that's what my struggle has been. I want to eat bad, bad things. And I do.. because I'm so damn crabby that it's the only thing that's keeping me sane.

Last night was my last night of this Devil drug, so hopefully things will be smoother here on out.

PS, I'm up 2#

*groan* I've GOT TO GET BACK ON TRACK!!

crickets chirping

2008-08-07T09:26:00.000-07:00

Notice I hadn't posted in a while?

*hangs head*

I fell off the wagon. Completely. I didn't count points for almost 3 weeks. In the madness I gained a few pounds and refused to weigh-in. I didn't want to admit defeat. I didn't want to face the fact that I'd been lazy and reverted to the old unhealthy me.

I'm glad to report, though, that I'm back on track, even with a loss!

Today's weigh-in is 189.5. It's official. I have lost 20 lbs.

I've been battling my beast of depression, low self-esteem, and pathetic self-worth. I'm coming out of that, and trying to appreciate the me that others keep telling me they see.

Thank you, my friends, for lifting me up when I'm down.

Progress

2008-07-26T16:26:00.000-07:00

Here are the latest in my series of pics of my progress. Yay for seeing a difference in my tummy! The first pics were taken when I first started WW, the second is from 6/9 and the final pic in each set is from today.

I've gotta get back on track and determined again. I wanna keep seeing progress like this!

Didn't post yesterday...

2008-07-25T07:50:00.000-07:00

Okay, so yesterday was weigh-in day. To tell the truth, I was hoping if I held out until today, I'd have a better number to post. Oh, well.

I weighed in at 190.5. No change.

I can't help but be disappointed, even though I know I wasn't following my plan for the most part last week. My mom and grandmother were in town, we were doing a lot of running around, and Nanny made tea cakes. Um, can you say 2 sticks of butter? Yeah. The good thing is that I haven't eaten any since they left. I'm trying to save them for Stuart. <3

I was SO hoping to be down 20 lbs when he came home, but alas, I guess I should've kept working hard instead of slacking off. I have started back with my DVDs for pilates and dancing. I've been missing that.

I got my bathing suits in the mail, BTW. I got a great one for now, and the one for later. The one for later is going to be SO great! I can all ready put it on, but it doesn't fit. (KWIM?)

Thanks for the e-mails, private messages, and comments. This accountability means everything to me!

Now, please pray I don't blow it when Stuart gets home. ;)

*my diet, I mean... :blushes:

Shut Right On UP!

2008-07-21T06:37:00.000-07:00

Guess what I bought yesterday?

no, really... guess!

Okay, I'll tell you...

a pair of size 10 pants! That FIT!

I know! I can't believe it, either! I didn't even try them on. I just grabbed 'em off the rack and brought 'em home. =D I am thrilled beyond all belief! If I could be in an 8 by Christmas, I'll have met my goal in 7 months. As it stands, I haven't worn a 10 since 2000.

I'm still needing a 12 in most pants, but this 10 really made my day!

Keep encouraging me, please! I've gotta keep this up!

This one's gonna be short and sweet

2008-07-17T07:25:00.000-07:00

Weigh in today: 190.5.

I'm down 1 pound this week for 19 total. I'm really excited. I've got my mom and Nanny on their way as I type to visit for a few days. I'm hoping I'll be able to keep everything under control and not gain. I'd really like to see 189.5 by the time Stuart gets home.

Thanks for your support. Please keep checking on me. This accountability helps so much.

Yay!!!

2008-07-16T23:46:00.000-07:00

So, tonight I made a decision and went ahead and ordered 10 Minute Trainer.
It should be here in 5-7 days, and I'm excited. I need a little something to get me motivated, and spice things up. This seems like a good program, it doesn't promise that you get to sit and do nothing while melting away the pounds. It's a workout program, and I think it looks pretty good.
I feel like I need to up my physical activity - maybe that will release those feely-good hormones and give me the little boost I need :)
I haven't talked to anyone that's tried it yet, so I guess I'm the guinea pig for the job!

I'll give you all a full report when it comes in and I try it out. It looks challenging yet do-able at the same time :)

I'm gonna give the REAL Malibu Barbie a run for her flippin money!

Eeeep!

2008-07-15T17:17:00.000-07:00

So, having an alright week this week. I had a rotten day yesterday (blah!).
But I had a good conversation with a great friend last night and we got on the subject of I just kinda feel like I'm frazzled and stressed out and I'm wondering if I should get my unhappy ass on some anti-depressants. I think it's tying in to the beating myself up when I don't do as well as I'm expecting myself do to on this "change" in my life and eating habits.
It would normally be a simple thing, but with TTC I don't want to put myself on those kinds of pills only to yank myself off of them when (if?) I get pregnant.
My friend brought up the advice of taking a vitamin, with a b complex in it. I've seen some vitamins that are helpful in weightloss on tv - so I think I'm going to pick 'em up and see if I can't get this little black cloud to stop following me around! Man, it's so draining!
I know that change is usually a good thing, but I'm trying to change the way I eat. Trying to change the way I clean house. Trying to change my surroundings (IE - PCS!), trying to change my fertility issues ... and I think I'm just on a bit of an overload.
Hopefully this vitamin will be JUST the little boost that I need!

I'm happy to report that I'm fitting VERY nicely in to my 14's. I was a 16 previously. I haven't noticed a change in my shirt sizes, and I didn't really expect to. I think with my bust, I'm always going to be at least a large in shirts.
When I get back in 12's I will be pre-baby size, and that to me will be absolutely amazing! Every size down after that will just be icing on the damn cake :)

NSV - Non-Scale Victory!

2008-07-15T07:50:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I was wandering around Target with Logan. Chase is at morning activities this week, and I had some time to kill. I wandered by the racks of clearance clothes and spotted a really cute dress. I didn't have time to go try it on and all of that, so I picked up a size Large and brought it home.

Much to my surprise, when I tried it on, it was TOO BIG! Woooo Hoooo! Makes me feel SO good. Really, it does. I mean, the last time I've needed a size medium in something was...well, I don't even remember. LOL!

In other shopping news...

I ordered my goal swimsuit last night. It's on clearance and an EXCELLENT price. Beyond excellent, really. After much deliberation about the size to order, I selected - get this - a size 8! I'm in a 12 now, and I still have at least 25 lbs to go. I cannot believe that I might actually wear an 8 after the first of the year.

Look out world. I finally care about myself. I'm taking care of myself.

...and, by golly, I'm gonna look great soon!

Sigh

2008-07-11T02:55:00.000-07:00

Amber's smokin' me man! But I'm gonna catch up :D
My weight this week is at a stall. I was kind of surprised because last week I lost a tad over 3 pounds, I think it had a lot to do with being sick, but I'll still take it baby!
I had to eat some "heavier" foods because the meds we're messing up my tummy. I'm thinking that's what did me in, plus I used all my extra points for this week because of it.

On a fun note, a few weeks back I found a pair of old - ok, they are from high school- jeans of mine, and I thought about how great it would be to fit back in to them.
It also led in to how I thought I was "so fat" back then. I really had it in my mind that I was a "fat" then, as I am now. How I'm looking now, is how I perceived myself to look then.
Gawd, if I could only go back in time and smack myself across the face! For me to be a size 11 and have the larger bust even back then - I looked DAMN good.

I'm gonna post up a picture so you can laugh at the jeans - they have rhinestones on the rear pockets, and are "so 90's" LOL. But I'm tellin' ya'll, if I can get my ass back in to them, I'm gonna strut around like a prize peacock :)

'Like a rhinestone cowboy...'

So, my two biggest motivations right now are:
1. The possibility of going "home" this upcoming transfer season (09). I absolutely CANNOT go "home" looking the way that I do.
Plus, I want to shut my 'hundred pounds soaking wet' mother up for GOOD.
2. I'm gonna rock those jeans if it KILLS me! ;)

I'm contemplating ordering 10minutetrainer - anyone use it before? good/bad?

Thursday means weigh in day!!!

2008-07-10T05:24:00.000-07:00

This week I discovered something evil. I had the ingredients to make a loaf of banana bread. I had 4 bananas that were ripe, and I had to do something with them. I couldn't think of anything to do! I ended up modifying a recipe I found on the back of a flour bag.

In all, it wasn't BAD... I used the heart healthy Bisquick because I didn't have enough flour here to use. I was supposed to put yogurt in it, but didn't have any besides strawberry banana. LOL! Instead, I used sugar free, fat free vanilla pudding. Walnuts would've made it perfect - and more points. As it was, it ended up like 6 points a slice. I am so thankful for the recipe builder on the WW site. It is so easy to use! Incredibly easy.

I'm still having my stress-induced carb cravings. I'm giving in just enough, but not too much. I'm on stress overload. I've got one son full-force in the terrible twos. I mean, REALLY. The other is starting to really miss Daddy, and is getting ready to start school. I miss Stuart, too, on top of money being ... well, tight is putting it mildly.

In the midst of it all, and with a screaming two year old in my lap, I am happy to report that today's weigh-in is:

191.5 Down 2 pounds this week; 18 since May 1!

Thursday Weigh in... dum dum duuuuuuuuum...

2008-07-03T05:44:00.000-07:00

I lamented yesterday that the stress has been making me want to eat. Now I'm ready for my full confession. On Monday, I ate Taco Bell for lunch and a pint of Haagen Dazs before bed. I'm not proud of myself, and it didn't make me feel any better. Mostly bloated and tore up my tummy. That was a bad enough price to pay, but I've been worried about today's weigh in since then.

This morning, I woke up, went to the bathroom and stripped down to my skivvies, like every Thursday. I hadn't completely woken up yet. I stepped on the scale, ready to kick myself in the behind, and encourage myself to do better this week. I looked down and had to rub my eyes.

At first, I thought the number said 198.5. I was devastated. Then I couldn't figure out how I'd gained that much this week. Oh, remember I didn't have my glasses on... Anyhow, upon closer inspection, the number was, in fact:

193.5 Heck yes!

I don't know how it's happened, but I'm so thankful to be down another 2 lbs. I'm thankful that my giving in a little didn't screw everything up. Mostly, though, I'm thankful for more energy and noticing a difference in my body. My size 12 Levi's are dangerously loose on me... Like, they fall down and I have to wear a belt. LOL. My plan is to visit Goodwill or another local thrift store soon and try to find a couple pairs of size 10 pants. Do you know how long it's been since that was even an option?!

Oh, and I'd like to add a special Thank You to my Roni Sue. You'll have to forgive the picture, because my 5 year old was taking it, so it's blurry. Roni felt like I NEEDED to have the dress I'd spotted a couple months ago and declared it should be my "goal dress." She sent me a size L (10-12). It fits beautifully, and will be a nice surprise for Stuart next time he sees me. ;)

Just ugh.

2008-07-02T15:20:00.000-07:00

I have had an INSANE amount of stress lately. The last 2 days have been particularly rough. I am wanting to eat EVERYTHING in sight. Even things that aren't in sight...

Today I really wanted something "bad", so I got something to drink instead. I figured that would help me decide if I was really hungry or just thirsty. I held out for a while, and it hit HARD. I didn't want to waste snacks in the pantry or points today, so I ate a small dill pickle.

There's no need to comment, I just needed to vent a little. I have gotten out of my Pilates habit, which I need to get back into. I can just feel this stress really trying to take over my whole being. It sucks, and I don't want to give into it.

I need to also realize that me giving in to stress and making bad food choices probably means I won't have a loss tomorrow morning at weigh in. If that's the case, it's not the end of the world, just an indication that I need to get focused and be in control of what I CAN control.

*sigh*

Emotional Eating

2008-06-29T14:19:00.000-07:00

Boy, oh, boy am I an emotional eater! I've had a lot of stress the past few days. Stuart's gone again for who knows how long, and we've had some CG *issues* for the past few months that haven't been resolved yet. I've got a very temperamental two year old here, and a five year old that REALLY misses dad.

I have been CRAVING carbs for the last week. The good thing (if you can look at it that way) is that it's been a long pay period and we're kinda low on groceries until payday, so there's not much TO eat around here. That's probably my saving grace right now.

I've been doing a good job since May basically eating 4 small meals a day. I stay within my points target, I don't feel hungry, and I'm losing consistently. This last week, though, I have about 3 hours in the afternoon where I am snacky. I mean, I could eat and eat mindlessly, given the opportunity. I try to eat string cheese and something else - a 100 calorie bag of popcorn, some carrot sticks, a pickle - something. Today it's not cutting it.

So, instead of opening and closing cabinet doors and trying to will some ice cream to appear in the freezer, I figured I'd write a blog and whine about it. I don't feel much better, but at least I'm not eating! :)

Thursday means Weigh In Day!!!

2008-06-26T11:09:00.001-07:00

After last week's gain, and the trip, and whatnot, it was so nice to get back on track this week! Stuart left Sunday to head back to the boat, and it's been hard in ways, but nice in others. I had a day that I had to make a box of mac & cheese. I measured my serving and counted the points, and I got the "comfort food" effect that I was craving. Not too bad! We've been eating some yummy stuff around here - the boys and I, and I'm still staying within my daily points goal. Woot!

Okay, so here's something I need to work on, I think... Pretty much every morning I eat a bowl of cereal. The flavor/brand varies... Sometimes it's Special K with red berries, sometimes it's Cap'n Crunch with crunchberries. The long and short of it is that I need to introduce some protein, I think. I don't have any problem making it to lunch, but it's after lunch that I have an afternoon crash. I think if I work on keeping my sugar levels and protein up more consistently, I won't have that urge to binge in the afternoons. Or, maybe I don't need to do anything with breakfast, but introduce a protein snack in the afternoon? Advice is certainly welcome!

So are you wondering? Have I kept you in suspense long enough?

195.5 is today's weight! I'm down 2 lbs, for a total of 14 since May 1.

Thanks so much for your support, suggestions, and love!

?'s

2008-06-25T23:29:00.000-07:00

I was going to post this in my "other" blog, but I think I might find more answers here.
I know that WW doesn't have a plan for pregnant women. But, I'm really considering continuing it if (when? Grrr) I get pregnant.
I feel like with the weight that I'm at, it really wouldn't hurt me to - if anything - not gain much weight while I'm pregnant. With the cushion I have ;) I think it would be smart for me not to. I'm not saying that I'm going to be super hardcore about not gaining weight, just that I honestly believe it would be healthy for me not to.
I'm wondering, if I switched over to the nursing version of WW if it would be alright.
It's something that I will bring up to my doctor if (when?) I get pregnant. I will seriously take what he has to say in to consideration if he thinks it's not a smart idea, but then again for my height and weight, I can't it being a big issue (no pun..)
What are your thoughts? I won't be offended if you disagree, that's why I brought it here :)

On the other hand, I've seriously slacked on posting. I've tried thinking of great things to post about and have just drawn a darn blank!
Things are going relatively smoothly here, I've been doing alright on my walking, but could be doing better. I can proudly say that I've been doing EXCELLENT with my water intake. For me, that was a big hurdle. I'm just not a water drinking person, I never really have been. I can say though, I do feel better, and my amount of UTI's has gone way down. Sorry if TMI, but I'm very prone to them and it's VERY frustrating.
I've been the queen of tomatoes lately, LOL. I started a little garden awhile back, and while I usually kill everything I attempt to grow, the 'maters have made it through! It's amazing how much better things taste when you've grown them yourself!

I'm still dealing with the mother aspect *eyeroll here*. I know that she thinks I will not follow through with this. So, I've chosen just not to bring it up. I get more than enough support, advice, and suggestions from Blossom (Lisa) and Amber. I just cannot wait to see the look on my mothers face the next time that I see her. For me, that is just about reason enough to stick with it, and do well.

DH has made a few (carefully worded, LOL) compliments about my bootie. He knows that it's the #2 area I want to improve on. #1 being my tummy...
So, the elliptical is doing it's job. I've slacked off this week, so I'll be picking it back up. It feels good that DH is noticing. He always tells me that he has absolutely no problems with my shape, size, or weight. But, he has agreed with me that my weight gain has effected my confidence - and he just wants to see me happy.
His mother has a bit of an eating disorder, so we did have a few really long chats in where I had to swear to him that I wouldn't turn in to someone unhealthily obsessed. He also is not in to "really thin" figures on women so he made me promise that I'd still have "somethin' to love on" - men!

So, this is it for now! I really appreciate your guys' advice and support :)

Dum dum duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuum...

2008-06-19T07:12:00.001-07:00

Okay, so I've been in NOLA with my hubby for the past few days. We did NOT take time to track points and eat only healthy things. I am okay with the fact that I'm at 197.5 today. I gained a little, but I can get back on track, and it'll be fine.

The good things:

Most meals we shared an entree. We each got our own salad, and split an entree. It was really nice.

Our hotel was a block north of Bourbon St, so we walked EVERYWHERE. My feet and hips were killing me because I brought flip flops and various cute shoes, not so much on the supportive shoes.

Breakfast we ate at the hotel, and they had a nice array of fruits and cereal. I did make a waffle one morning, but otherwise, I ate pretty healthy for my first meal of the day.

Oh, and the really good thing - I don't drink at home. Sometimes I have a beer, but I have NEVER had so many fruity beverages in my life! It was fun, and it was nice to play and let go, but I'm all business now.

Thanks for following me, and checking in...Now I've gotta update my gain on all my tracking...

Mighty Morphin' Amber...

2008-06-09T19:17:00.000-07:00

Before the positive, let me vent the negative real quick.

I HATE the fact that I can do a fantastic job while my husband is away. The minute he walks in the door, my will power goes away, and I want to give in to every suggestion of junk food, fast food, or whatever. I finally had a talk with him this evening and showed him the breakdown of our lunch. Let me put it this way... one part of my lunch was 14 points. o_O Yeah, that's my reaction, too. That would be MORE than half of my points for the day. Ugh. After showing him, he realized that we've been making bad choices. (to say the least. LOL!)

Okay, so now let me see if I can set this up the way I want to... The pictures with the pink top were taken April 30, the day before I started this adventure. The pictures in the blue top were taken tonight. The angle isn't exactly the same, but you'll be able to see a difference.

Without further adieu...

So Stuart suggested that I wear the blue from now on, because the black pants were a little too effective at hiding my butt and thighs. (my words, not his) *snort* So, there, you get to check 'em out in all their glory in the blue pants.

I will tell you that after beating myself up about the chili dog from lunch today, it was nice to take a look at these pictures and see how far I've come. I've still got a long way to go, but I can tell that my posture is improving, and slowly but surely, I'm making changes in my physique. I'm really feeling so much better about myself, too. Really. :)

:)

2008-06-09T18:56:00.000-07:00

Weighing in today at 182 - I feel like the tortise here, Lol.
My mom and sister are coming down in July, so I'm going to REALLY try and do some extra workouts to see if I can increase some weight loss. My mother is about 110 pounds soaking wet, and my sister is about 125 pounds at 5'6. It can be really depressing to be out in public and not look anything like the people I'm related too. Plus, my mother can be really judgemental about my weight. So, I'm hoping I can show her that I've been working hard, and am seeing results.
I'm also reminding myself everyday that this is something I'm doing for ME, so I won't be looking for her "approval".
Trust me, it'd be SO like her to make some smart ass comment that would cause me to try and feel better by going to the fridge...

Lessons to learn

2008-06-06T07:13:00.000-07:00

I had been craving pizza for about a week and a half. Every time Roni and I would be on yahoo, I'd whine that I wanted pizza. When I talked to Stuart on the phone, I lamented that I really wanted some pizza.

Well, I got pizza last night. I should've passed. I should've overlooked the craving. The truth is, if I hadn't given in, it would've gotten to the point of bingeing and I would've insisted on burgers, fries and a shake or something. Then washed it down with some sweet and sour chicken and a whole tiramisu. You know...really give into "bad food" cravings.

Here's a mixed blessing: apparently my better eating habits are starting to stick. I ate a couple pieces of pizza. I really enjoyed them. I felt full, but not stuffed afterwards. This morning, though, I'm paying the price of a tummy trying to cope with grease, cheese, and so much bread. Oy.

My mom sent me this little ditty this morning and it cracked me up. Thought I'd share.

Weighing in...

2008-06-05T05:01:00.000-07:00

It's Thursday, so that means weigh-in day!

Drumroll, please...

196.5

I am down 13 lbs! Yee Haw!

Grrrr

2008-06-03T06:35:00.000-07:00

My stupid internet was out from 3pm yesterday, until this morning. I was so lost!
Weighed in and I'm 185. Kind of surprised and a bit frustrated by that, but I think that having my hiatus last week or so ago is what's catching up to me.
On a good note, these shorts that I have and love to wear are seriously noticeably looser fitting. I'm gonna have to see if I'm able to find them in a smaller size because I love 'em so much!
8 pounds down is something to be happy about, and proud of. I'm trying to just keep that thought in my head.

My concoction

2008-05-30T21:03:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, especially with Stuart gone, I really crave bad food. I mean, I'm eating well 89% of the time, and sometimes I just NEED mac & cheese. Today my craving was Broccoli, Cheese & Rice.

Here's where a dash of "Big Poppa" comes in. Big Poppa is what the kids call my dad. He's far too cool to be called Grandpa or anything like that. Honestly, he and my sisters play laser tag every Tuesday. I'm not kidding in the least. He is the master of throwing a bunch of crap in a pot and it becoming a meal. In the last few years, I've really discovered that it's rubbed off on me a bit.

I digress...

I didn't have the proper ingredients for my dish, so I had to improvise. When I had the Culver family over for Memorial day, I bought some Tostitos Salsa con Queso. I figured that would be better than Kraft Fat Free cheese. :p In fact, the Queso is really low in points - check it out.

So, here's what I ended up with:

1 bag Success Brown Rice

1 can Condensed Cream of Chicken soup (I didn't have cream of mushroom)

1 16 oz bag frozen broccoli

2/3 cup Tostitos Salsa con Queso

1/3 cup shredded fat free cheese

I cooked the rice and broccoli, following package directions. In the meantime, I preheated the oven to 350*. I combined the queso and soup in a casserole dish. Once the rice and broccoli were finished, I dumped them in the dish, and mixed it all together. I topped it with the shredded cheese. Cover with foil and cook for 20 minutes. :)

Using the recipe builder on WW.com, I estimated that this was about 8 servings, so 3 pts a serving. Not too shabby for comfort food!

I think, in the future, I'd put a little less queso or a little more rice. It was nice to have the extra kick of the salsa. You know, it also would've been good with chicken breast in it. I had a chicken breast separately, though.

All in all, it was a satisfying little "cheat". Plus, since it's spicy, I have PLENTY left over, because the kids wouldn't eat it. Hee hee.

Weighing in...

2008-05-30T05:56:00.000-07:00

This week's weight is 199.0!!!!

I'm so excited that I'm under the 200 lb mark. I really didn't know that I could possibly see it this fast. I'm proud of myself, frankly.

If I'm able to lose 15 total pounds before the hubs and I head to NOLA, I'm going to be so excited. Since I've only got 2 weeks, it's a little much to lose, but I guess it could happen.

I'm down another point - now at 25 points a day.

This past weekend Stuart came home for a couple of days. I ate REALLY badly while he was here. I'm surprised I didn't gain 5 lbs, really. I'm glad that I didn't let it get me down. In the past, I would've had a weak day or two, then given up. I got right back on track.

I now need to work on being more assertive when he comes in and insist on cooking healthy meals when he's home. It's just so rare for him to be here, and we end up partying while he's here... BBQ ribs, pizza, the whole deal.

I'm so excited that my trip is soon, and I'll get to wear my hot little dress.

Why Do People Think It's Their Business...

2008-05-26T12:36:00.000-07:00

... and their "right" to comment on YOUR goals?
Setting a personal goal and reaching it is something that you already know will be hard work. But, that it will pay off once you've accomplished it. It's something that you do for yourself. So why do other people feel the need to dictate what, and how you should go about doing it?
For example:
According to WW.com, my ideal weight is between 113 and 130 pounds.
I have made the choice that my goal weight is 130 pounds. I know what I look like that that weight, I know my pant size will be around an 8 in womens, that my arms will lose that flab, my ever persistent double chin will go away, my thighs won't rub together anymore, and if I continue with my elliptical routine I will have an ass that you could bounce a quarter off of. 130 pounds is a comfortable, attainable, familiar number to me.
113 is another story, I don't know what I would look like at 113 pounds. So, I figure I'm going to get down to 130 and go from there. If I can look at my body when I'm 130lbs, and see how losing 17 more pounds would benefit me, then I'm gonna go for it. If I think I look great and am feeling comfortable at 130 - then I'll stay put.
A lot of that has to do with the fact that I'm not changing to be "skinny", I'm changing to be healthy. At the same time, with how busty I am, I don't want to look like I'm about to fall over due to being "top heavy" LOL.
I've chosen to not mention what I'm doing to too many people in my life, because I hate being pestered about it. "So, how's that diet going?"... "Seeing any results yet?"... and yadda yadda. It makes me feel like they are just waiting for me to fail. Like they might as well just ask "So, have you totally bombed out yet?"
But, with the few that I have shared it with - they are feeling the need to tell me what they think is an appropriate amount of weight for me to lose. It's frustrating because I don't think that their input is necessary . This is MY personal goal. I didn't ask for advice on it, and I'm not asking for their thoughts either. It's a goal I've set that I feel is a great one for me.
Maybe they don't see how their comments and opinions come off so negatively?

:)

2008-05-23T22:15:00.000-07:00

Amber is doing SO well, she is putting me to SHAME! Lol - congratulations Amber, you are doing so awesome!!

I'm back on the wagon after a brief few days of slipping.

Which got me to thinking...

I really hate that I'm one of those people that make things "all better" by eating food.
The first thing I did after my ER visit because of my m/c was say "F___ it" and I had DH go to Taco Bell for me. WHY do I do that? What is it about food that makes things "all better"?
In the long run, it doesn't. And you KNOW it doesn't. It just continues that damn circle of being unhappy.
And after spending all night in the ER with DD? Came home, cried, and ate two frozen pretzels.
Those silly little things are something that I love, and I had bought them as little treats for myself. Yet, they were the first thing I reached for when I was upset.
I really want to be/wish I was one of those people that threw on their tennis and went for a run to solve anger, frustration, sadness issues. Can you retrain your brain to do that? Or am I fighting a never ending battle here?
I guess I'll be experimenting on myself, because I'm going to try as hard as I can to remember that my tennis are sitting right by the front door - and when I'm upset, I'm going to go for a walk. I'm gonna do my own little test to see if I do it enough, if I can get it to be an automatic "need" when things get rough. Instead of reaching for the food.
The walk would have done me so much better than the Taco Bell.

So anyways - starting over here! Scale said 187, so, I've got some catching up to do if I wanna keep up with Amb - that girl is on a roll baby!

Weigh in day!

2008-05-22T06:30:00.000-07:00

This morning was weigh-in time. I am happy to report that I now weigh

200.5 lbs

I honestly cannot believe the progress I'm making on WW. I've tried unsuccessfully for such a long time to lose weight.

Oh, and I now have one less point per day. My new points target is 26. :)

A little update...

2008-05-19T12:22:00.000-07:00

Well, the "goal dress" that I got for my trip to New Orleans came today. I'm glad I listened and ordered a large instead of an XL. I tried it on, and it doesn't look half bad. It's awfully short, though. I haven't worn a short dress in a long time. It's an adorable dress. Aw, heck, I guess I'll post the picture.

It happens that my trip will be happening almost a month earlier than I'd planned. I think there's still a chance that I could meet my goal of being down 15 lbs before we go. If not, I'm confident that I will have lost 10. Just being under the 200 lb mark will be reason enough to go celebrate. It's been almost 2 years since I've seen that.

I really am amazed at my progress. I'm really sticking with this and documenting everything I eat. I'm exercising, and enjoying it. I'm feeling better about myself little by little. I know I've started taking better care of myself, and that's something to be proud of.

Thank you for continuing to keep up with us.

**on a personal note, I just want my friend, Roni, to know that she and her family are in my prayers. I'm not going to pretend to understand how you must feel, but I do know that you are a strong, resilient woman, and I love you.**

Weigh in Week 2!

2008-05-15T06:34:00.000-07:00

Well, today marks the beginning of week 3 for me. I had my weigh in this morning and, drumroll, please...

I'm down 2 lbs! My weight today is 203.5!

Kinda Sad!

2008-05-13T20:59:00.000-07:00

So, I went to the clinic today (will write about that in my other blog..) and I was, of course, weighed. I was a little excited because I haven't gotten a recent weight. At first I kept putting off getting a scale, and THEN I lost my debit card. THEN I lost my husbands and his was taken and used fraudulently.
Needless to say, both cards were canceled and new ones are on the way. They just haven't gotten here yet.
Anyways.
My weight is 189.2. I was kind of disappointed that it wasn't less, I thought it would be as my pants are fitting noticeably comfier. Maybe it was all in my head.
BUT, some weight loss is better than no weight loss and a LOT better than weight gain.

I'm in the same boat as Amber, with being hesitant to use up Flex Points. Although, I keep reminding myself that I do need a little reward now and then, so I don't burn myself out.
I want my new card so I can order my WW calculator too darn it!

A struggle

2008-05-13T06:35:00.000-07:00

After Logan was born, I lost my baby weight and then some pretty quickly. I felt WONDERFUL, and I looked all right, I think. When I had my hysterectomy, I gained 20 lbs that wouldn't go away. No matter what.

I tried SO many times, so many ways to lose it. My weight would fluctuate. I'd lose 2 lbs here, then gain 4 lbs there. Nothing would be different about my routine. I guess my metabolism was just shot. I was running 3+ days a week, going to the gym 3+ days a week, and wasn't seeing any results.

Now, I'm finishing up my second week of WW, and I'm noticing that I'm having a hard time some days making myself finish all of my points. My week ends tomorrow night and I still have all 35 flex points.

In the back of my mind, I'm scared. I've lost 4 lbs, and want to keep losing. I want to be healthy, too. I just don't want to screw it all up sneaking an extra 5 pts here and there. Even though I KNOW they're there for me to use, it's hard to allow myself permission to use them.

Is this something that gets easier? Do you always use all of your flex points? How do I teach my brain that it's okay?

Here's a goal for me

2008-05-11T16:48:00.001-07:00

This sexy little number will be headed my way in 3-5 business days. I think it's pretty cute. It's a size smaller than I'm wearing right now, which is a risk for me. I was encouraged to order it that way by multiple parties, though. I'm planning on wearing it in mid-late July, and if I stay on the right track, I could possibly lose up to 18 lbs, if I lose 2 lbs/week. I know that's not likely, and is on the high end of what's healthy to lose, so if I lose 10 lbs by then, I should be all right.

And you know what? If it doesn't fit by then, maybe it will a month after that.

I'll be doing pilates to try to help my posture and strengthen my abs and back.

I have to get back on track with the elliptical since hubby is gone again. I need to do 30 minutes at least 4 days a week.

Please keep checking on me. This accountability is awesome!

Oh, and my new favorite healthy food is Ronzoni Smart Pasta. Check it out! Faaaaabulooooous!

A woman possessed

2008-05-09T10:36:00.000-07:00

It sure hasn't taken long for me to get obsessive about my measuring cups and scale. I've all ready gotten pretty dang good at eyeballing serving sizes.

Case in point:

For lunch today, I cooked some large chicken breast pieces, some yellow squash (MMMMM!) and some instant organic mashed potatoes. (the potatoes are pretty low in points because I only use water and a tiny dab of light Country Crock spread. Not like grandma makes, that's for sure!)

I digress...

I served up the kids' lunches, fixed a plate for DH, and there was a hunk of chicken on the pan left. I eyeballed it, and cut myself a slice. I placed it on my food scale, and it was exactly 3 oz! How cool is that? I've also developed that eyeballing ability with baby carrots, too. Don't worry - I still measure always. It's just that it's kind of a game for me. ;)

Oh, and here's a little tip - I really enjoy old fashioned Quaker Oats for breakfast from time to time. They're comfort food for me. Back in the day, my Nanny would make it for me for breakfast every day when I stayed with her. Of course, she'd add a pat of butter, Lord only knows how much sugar, and some whole milk to it.

Today I made my Quaker Oats, with water only - no butter -, and was trying to figure out the best way to sweeten it a little bit. I looked up brown sugar, I looked up table sugar, and was thinking about what else I had here that might work. I ate the last of the yogurt last night, or that would've been an option for me. I decided on Lite pancake & waffle syrup. 2 tablespoons is a serving size, and is WAY enough sweet to make the oatmeal palatable. A serving is very low in points, too! Yay!!!

I didn't finish my points yesterday, so I know I really need to make sure I'm keeping my blood sugar stable all day instead of waiting and letting it crash when I'm hungry.

Okay, off to WalMart. I've gotta stock up again. :)

Thursday Weigh in! Week 1

2008-05-08T06:49:00.001-07:00

Let me preface this with a little info:

This past week, I have eaten pizza - from a restaurant, Chik Fil A, and numerous not healthy choices. My husband just got back from being out of town, and it's hard to convince him not to want to eat out. I have been VERY aware of points, portions, and drinking calories. (Thank you, diet coke, and unsweet tea!)

My starting weight before this whole adventure was 209.5.

Do you wanna know what the scale said this morning?

205.5!!!!!! I cannot believe it. CANNOT! I have lost 4 lbs!

I haven't been drinking enough water, and I haven't been working out AT ALL.

I am on cloud nine. I honestly am.

Checkin' in...

2008-05-07T08:20:00.001-07:00

So today is the end of my first week of WW. I've been doing a really good job of tracking all my points and keeping up with them. As of right now, I still have over 20 weekly points to play with. I'm really having a hard time allowing myself to use them.

Here's the craziest part - we've eaten out a few times! I'm very aware of serving sizes and appropriate choices after just the first week.

I haven't done much playing on the boards on WW's site. I'm just using the trackers and points search features. I don't really have much time, frankly. The hubby's home for just a few days before going to drydock for a while, and I'm trying to spend as much time with him as I can.

I'm hopeful about tomorrow's weigh-in. I'm hoping to see some results. I really am.

I know that I'm not drinking enough. I need to purchase a water bottle. If I don't have it readily available, I'm not going to drink it.

I need to get moving. With Stuart home, I haven't done any exercise at all. I purchased a Pilates video with resistance bands, so I'm going to try that tonight and see how it goes. I need to work on my flexibility since I'm not able to take dance classes right now.

I'm doing a great job weighing my foods and measuring accurate portion sizes. Go me!

Thank you so much to all of you that are reading and keeping up with us. I've gotten countless e-mails and private messages about it. It's the accountability that's going to keep me accountable. I appreciate you caring enough to check in!

Nifty Little Thing

2008-05-06T22:15:00.000-07:00

So, I was in Wal-Mart today doing some veggie shopping, and picking up some odds and ends meal stuff. While I was walking through the bread isle I noticed a woman who was picking up a loaf of bread, punching some numbers in to a calculator, picking up another loaf of bread, and would again, punch numbers in to a calculator.
My mind started wandering about people who bring calculators to the store. I usually just keep a mental note of what I'm spending, rounding up to the nearest number. I figured though, that if you were on a tight budget, or you were super strict about your budget that this might be a worthwhile thing to do. Just, making your total a more accurate number.
When I passed her however, I noticed a familiar symbol on her calculator:

So, I had to stop and ask her what exactly it did, and where she got it.
I'm really not a person to stop and talk to people here in this town - people are generally really rude. But this lady was sweet as sugar. I told her I had seen her earlier looking at different types of breads. She explained that the one she usually gets they didn't have, but it wasn't really a problem since she had her Points Calculator with her. I told her that a friend and I had recently joined, and that we were blogging about our journey with it. She thought that was the neatest thing! She asked if I was going to go to meetings, and I told her I hadn't really made up my mind on that part yet. That I was going to see how online'ing went first.
We chatted for a little bit, and she showed me her WW Calculator. It seems like the handiest thing, you simply enter in the calories, fats, and fiber and it will give you the points value of each serving. Turns out the bread she was looking at was 2 pts. per slice. I guess the bread she normally bought was 1pt. per slice.
I asked her if the calculator was something that she maybe earned as a perk for losing weight, or maybe they handed out to people who went to the meetings. She said she did infact get hers at a meeting, but that she was almost positive that they sold them on the WW site - she said she though it was around 10 bucks.
She said it was worth every penny!
We chatted for a few more minutes, and then parted ways. She said she'd keep an eye out for me at the meetings, incase I decided to show up. If the majority of the members are like her, I just might go try it out :)
So, I came home and after awhile of looking on the WW site, I did find the calculator and it is about 10$. It sure looks handy, especially if it's kept in your purse for the times like the lady at the store found herself in. If your "usual" isn't there, you can do a little looking around and find the next best thing.
There are a few different models. Some track your steps and will calculate point values for you, which I think is neat too.
I think I'm gonna stick with the calculator for now though, and maybe upgrade later on!
They offer a points calculator online, which is nice. But, it can be a pain to go back and forth checking thing on the computer. It would be nicer to have it right there on the counter, or in your purse for at the store.

I'm doing ... better with my water. Finding more creative things to do with my salads too. I now have two of those spray dressings in my fridge. One is Italian (Yum!) and today I picked up a Caesar. I have yet to try it, I hope it's good.
I'm going to start looking up some good, low point marinades for my chicken breasts too. I could eat some diced up chicken on my salad every day :)

I have also been walking twice around my block every day. Some days I am doing it all at once, others I'm walking around once and then walking around later.
I need to find a place that can replace the tires on my Jogger stroller for Ryleigh (anyone know where to even look for those). It's an LL Bean Jogger, so I don't know if I would have to specifically look there for them. Anyways, the tread is worn, which makes it a pain to push.
My elliptical days are becoming Tuesdays and Thursdays. It's easier to do when DD is at Pre-school. If I do it while she's home, she wants to "play" with it too.
I'm going to have the ass of J.Lo by the end of summer if I keep it up! Man, that thing makes ya feel the burn!

This weekend I'm going to follow up with a WW suggestion, which is going through your cabinets and taking a permanent marker and writing the point values of each thing on it's box or container.
Part of one of my lower cabinets is going to be designated as "Mommy's" also. It's going to be a little spot for items that are just for Mommy. It will ensure that when I need a quick snack or special treat that Daddy and Baby haven't oinked it all!

I still need to buy a scale!

Daily Point Target : 26

2008-05-04T00:47:00.000-07:00

22 to 27 points seemed to me like I was going to be hungry all day long while doing this. But, I've found that it's a tad challenging fitting it all in.
I can eat salads like they're goin' outta style, so you'll probably see a lot of those on my updates. I'm trying to just squeeze lemon juice on the salads, as a substitute for the salad dressing - but I'm a total Ranch girl, and I might up giving in and taking the points hit :) I seriously could eat a salad with a baked or grilled chicken breast cut up on it everyday!
I know that water is going to be a struggle with me. I am a juice kind of gal. But, the more I thought about it... I really would rather be able to have a couple more snacks than 1 glass of juice.
Breakfast has been a struggle for the past 3 days for me also. I'm just not a breakfast person, and am working on training myself to be. One thing that I've noticed is that I'm not as hungry during the day. From what I'm reading, that's due to ... eating breakfast :)
I'm still figuring out all the features on WW.com - and trying to decide if I want to combine the WW meeting with the Online features, or just stick to the program online. There's a coupon I believe you can take to attend a free meeting that's posted on the WW homepage. I think I might check it out just to figure out what would be more beneficial to me.

According to WW online, my "goal weight" is...

113 lbs.

Want to know how much weight I need to lose?
(let me say I cannot believe I'm posting this, my DH doesn't even know my weight...)
80 pounds.

Yep, I'm 5'3 and 193 lbs.

My 10% difference is:

174

It's overwhelming, but the reading that I'm doing on WW.com is helping. It's making it not seem like some never ending battle.
I like seeing others' weight loss amounts too. It makes you think "If they can do that, I can do it".
Plus, I'm TTC now - and I want to be as healthy as I can possibly be. The extra weight that I'm carrying around can be a contributing factor to why I haven't conceived yet. I'd rather work my ass off to lose this weight, than do any more rounds of Clomid.

I've also decided to start with the Flex Plan, like Amber is doing. I think it seems a little simpler. The nice thing about WW online that I see, is you're able to easily switch plans.

I'm working on building to courage to post some pictures similar to Ambers - but my mind is still reeling at
1. The fact that I'm 193 pounds
2. The reality being that I need to lose 80 pounds
***********************************************************************
I'm adding in some websites that we're suggested to me on WW.com :)
http://www.freewebs.com/tink24neverland/justfornewbies.htm
http://www.freewebs.com/purduepicc/fyi.html
http://www.freewebs.com/wwlaricha/faq.htm
***********************************************************************

Wish me luck

...and so it begins

2008-05-01T06:50:00.000-07:00

So today is my first day of Points counting, water tracking, measuring and weighing Weight Watchers life. Surprisingly, over the last week I lost 1 lb. LOL! Maybe just being in the mindset that I was about to get started on all of this.

I find it really easy to track points on the site. They make it very user friendly.

For breakfast, I had:

1c Special K Red Berries cereal

1/2c skim milk

1 banana

2 glasses of water

and my daily vitamin

Not too shabby, and a whopping 5 points. I've got 27 for the day, and I'm going to have to really work to eat that much.

Lunch:

1 chicken artichoke sausage with mozzarella - yummy and low in points!

2 cups raw baby spinach

3 oz baby carrots

100 cal Rice Krispies treat - Choc Drizzle

Unsweet Tea to drink

Dinner: (You're not gonna believe this!)

Cici's Pizza

2 slices Spinach Alfredo pizza

1 slice Ole' Pizza

1 slice Alfredo Pizza

2 pcs cinnamon roll dessert

salad

Diet Coke (how funny is this after eating all that?! ROFL! Every calorie counts, though, and there's no sense in drinking calories!)

Snack:

1 Weight Watchers Giant Fudge Bar (yumm-o!)

Total points for the whole day? 29! EVEN with eating out! So I used a couple of my weekly cheater points, but we ate out! We ate PIZZA! Yay for day 1!

For the record, the May issue of Good Housekeeping (with Paula Deen on the cover - the irony kills me...NOW?) has some great exercises to do at home. If you don't subscribe, maybe they'll post them online. I tore 'em out and tacked them to the wall in the computer/elliptical room.

I'll be filling you in on my daily progress. :)

Let's get it started!!!

2008-04-30T11:55:00.000-07:00

I went to the grocery store today and stocked up in preparation for my WW way of life. The interesting thing is that I'm going to have to force myself to eat a lot more than normal. I usually don't eat much during the day. Maybe that's been part of my problem. Who knows?

I'm in the market for a Pilates video. I was going to grab one at WalMart today, but they didn't have any. The WalMart by my house is really small, and they don't carry everything a normal WalMart does.

I did get a couple of Smart Ones for when I don't feel like cooking a big ol' meal.

I got lots of chicken breast, some turkey, lots of veggies. I'm looking forward to getting started and seeing results. You'll be the first to know how my first day goes. ;)

Oh, geez

2008-04-27T07:02:00.001-07:00

Nothing like a little spandex to make you wanna barf, huh? These are my official "BEFORE" pictures. I'm looking forward to having some kickin' "AFTER" pictures to share.

Now, here is what I really want to work on: my tummy. After 4 abdominal surgeries in 5 years, my ab muscles have been cut through a lot without having a chance to strengthen again. It's apparent in my posture and my profile. I have been having a lot of lower back pain, and I know it has to do with my posture and my weak abs. I'm not going to just be focusing on my abs in exercise, though, because I know that cardio is the key to burning calories and helping the fat go away.

Ugh. I've got a lot of work to do, and will be needing your support. My official WW weigh in will be May 1. Look for it, and for daily reports on points and exercise. :)

Shopping Buddy

2008-04-25T13:30:00.000-07:00

Well, Amber is officially my shopping buddy. We might be a state or two away from each other, but that's what Yahoo IM, Hotmail, and finally, Photobucket are for.
I really have my hopes up high about a Change of Command that is happening 2 hours from me in late June.
I get to meet some fellow CG wives, and have some "adult" time.
The only hiccup is that it means I need to find some *gulp*... nice clothes. For me, this does not happen easily.
Amber is, of course, there to save the day! With in 15 minutes she finds a dress online at JCPenny's and wouldn't you know, it's even stocked in the JCP 5 minutes from my house.
It's hard to go shopping alone, there's no "outside" opinion on how you look.
Amber's solution? "Bring your digital camera!"
*whacks self on head* - Psshh! Duh Roni!

A trip to JCP, about 10 dresses later and wouldn't you know. Damn that girl is GOOD. The dress looks wonderful!

The part that wasn't so wonderful was the full length mirrors. It's like, as long as I don't have them at home I can imagine that my body looks just the way it always has.
No such luck.
I felt humongous. I felt like a short, upside down pear, with short stubby legs - oh, and boobs!

I wanted to put all the dresses back, and head home to be in a sour mood for the rest of the evening. But instead, I kept telling myself "this is why you're going to change how you're living. So you never have to feel this down about yourself again."
And I trotted on. I tried on every single dress. The one Amber picked out was of course the best one. I heart her! I (hope I) included a picture of it.
Remember.. I'm new to blogging - be kind! :)

And, I read my comments - thank you! Especially to whomever said that it isn't a diet, it's a lifestyle change. You are totally right!

Howdy :)

2008-04-22T22:15:00.000-07:00

Amber, the sweetie that we all know and love, has invited me to blog with her during our WW journey together. I'm a little new at blogging, so please bear with me.

I pretty much feel the same way as Amber does about weight loss. Being healthy is most important. Along with the esteem you get from being comfortable with how your body looks.
It's really hard when you look in the mirror, and realize that... you don't recognize the body you're in anymore. I've had an especially hard time with that lately.

I've never been what you would call "thin" or "skinney". But, I've always been healthy. I've somehow managed to let that slip away from me. So, it's up to me to get this body back to a familiar shape. Also, to improve my health!

I really believe that Amber and I can whoop some booty at this, and I thank her bunches, and bunches for her support, and motivation. It's gonna be a challenging road, but it comes with a huge payoff.

It's been suggested to me that I list 3 goals I'd like to accomplish during the next 6 months:

1. I need to accept the fact that my body is not like "everyone elses". REALLY accept that.
2. I control what I put in my mouth/body. I need have "healthier" choices become second nature to me.
3. I also need 20 minutes of daily exercise to become a habit. Even if it's just a walk.

Im planning on joining WW on the first of this month. It's a new thing for me... "dieting".
But, I got myself in this mess - it's up to me to get myself out! :)

Throwing out the Welcome Mat!

2008-04-22T11:04:00.000-07:00

Please join me in welcoming a contributor to DCtHA! Roni is a great chick who has committed to being healthier, too. I'll let her introduce herself when she's ready, but I just wanted to tell her welcome and I'm so happy to have her!

I look forward to your input, Roni, and I'm really looking forward to our WW journey beginning!

When you're right, you're right

2008-04-21T13:51:00.000-07:00

Mary left me a comment a minute ago saying she could tell I'm down. It's funny how well people can get to you, even when your only contact is on the computer.

To say that I'm down is an understatement. At the risk of offering TMI, it is a small comfort to know that my husband still finds me attractive. I wish I gave myself as much credit as he does.

Okay. So here's my reality: I was the recipient of a great gift card from a generous friend for my birthday. My dad also gave me some money. I was going to use these things to get a cheap patio set, but I realized that 1) the patio set wouldn't be something for "me" and 2) I desperately need some church clothes.

I tried on dresses, skirts, tops, and slacks. I looked ALL over. We actually have shopping options here, too. The empire cut tops make me look pregnant. The trapeeze cut dresses look like a lampshade. There is nothing flattering for an hourglass shape with a flabby mommy tummy. There's just not.

I did buy a cute skirt, and used my Mastercard GC on an adorable sweater and cami.

I mailed in the checks from my grandmother and mom to USAA to be deposited and will be enrolling in Weight Watchers online as soon as they hit the bank. I have to do this. I have to. I will be still keeping up with this blog. I need the accountability and support that you guys are offering me.

I also know that more people are reading this that probably don't comment. If someone stumbles across this blog and sees my struggles and triumphs, I hope that they are able to be empowered.

I'm eating lots of salads and chicken breast. I love spinach, and have been eating a good deal of it. I'm looking forward to figuring out my points allowance and getting on track. Maybe it'll help me find where I've been going wrong.

The boys mutilated my favorite belly dance DVD this week, so I'm in the market for a fun workout video. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

sigh

2008-04-16T09:40:00.000-07:00

208.5 today. Not happy to say the least. That's up a half pound from last week.

I'm discouraged, but still drinking my water and eating my fruits and veggies.

Weigh in tomorrow

2008-04-15T13:15:00.000-07:00

Well, tomorrow is weigh in day for me. I haven't been weighing, but my clothes aren't fitting any better. I'm drinking my water, taking my vitamin, only eating fruit as a snack, yadda, yadda, yadda...

I think I need a more regimented something to hold me to a particular method. I'm exploring options and will keep you posted. Thank you to those of you that are helping me in my research and questioning stages.

It's important for me to say that I'm not trying to jump on a bandwagon, or go with an easy solution. My goal is health. In achieving health, I hope to feel better about how I look, and feel better period.

Right now, I hate looking in the mirror. I do not like to keep pictures that have more than my face in them. I'm a very unhappy person. I don't have any clothes that make me feel good. I'm tired of my poor stretched out tummy just hanging. I'm really sad and really ready to make the changes that will work.

I need to be proud of myself. I have done a LOT of work on the emotional aspect of my life, and relationships and that kind of thing. Now it's time to make sure my body is around to benefit from that hard work.

Double Chin to Healthy Again

So what is my goal, really?

Don't look at this.

Frustrating

Just so you know...

Heavy sighs and rubbing thighs

Ever have one of those days?

This week's update.

Playing dress up isn't the same...

Holy cow!

Thurs, Aug 8, 2009

Today's weight...

Didn't think I'd do it, did you?

So, uh, "Hi."

Are we normal?

I love my husband

It's been WEEKS.

Another Contest Entry from Roni's Weigh!

I need to have a "Come to Jesus" meeting...

Starting Point

Surprise!

Goals are good!

weighing in

Healthy Again...

Weighing in. Ugh.

I'm baaaaaaaack!

30 Day Shred - Check in post

Happy 2009!

Warped Vision

Update on a Sunday?!

Okay, now I'm ready to post...

It's Thursday!

Today's weigh in

Progress Slideshow

Roni's Contest Entry

Ugh. Not a good day.

30 Day Shred - Official Day 1

what a week!

Weighing in - 11/14

It's Thursday?

A Saturday evening victory

Hello!

Thursday weigh In - 11/6

What 10% Means

Quickie - Weigh In 10/30

I realized

Thursday Weigh In - 10/23

Weigh in day! 10/16

Thursday is weigh in day!

I'm a gutless flip flopper!

Digging Myself Out

Health

Oy.

LOL

My New Diet!!!!!!

*crickets chirping*

Progress

Didn't post yesterday...

Shut Right On UP!

This one's gonna be short and sweet

Yay!!!

Eeeep!

NSV - Non-Scale Victory!

**Sigh**

Thursday means weigh in day!!!

Thursday Weigh in... dum dum duuuuuuuuum...

Just ugh.

Emotional Eating

Thursday means Weigh In Day!!!

?'s

Dum dum duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuum...

Mighty Morphin' Amber...

:)

Lessons to learn

Weighing in...

Grrrr

My concoction

Weighing in...

Why Do People Think It's Their Business...

:)

crickets chirping

Sigh

sigh